A Positive Love Enforcement

More than three decades ago, America faced what's presently recognized as one of the deadliest virus' on Earth. According to the CDC, Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) weakens an individuals immune system by damaging important cells that are used to protect oneself from diseases. HIV spread across America in the 1970s and had its first case reported in 1981; what led to the AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) epidemic. The number of cases and deaths increased rapidly, reaching its deadliest peak in the mid to late 1990s. Since then, scientists developed forms of treatment known as Highly Active Antiretroviral Therapy (HARRT) which caused a percentage decline in mortality rates. There is no cure for this disease but many forms of treatment have been created as time went on for people to live longer and healthier lives. Though the perception of gay men being the leading cause of HIV/AIDS is no longer valid today, one can't help but wonder: Am I just another statistic? After all, I am gay. I am HIV positive. I am in a serodiscordant relationship. 

Defined as a mixed status relationship, one being HIV negative and another positive, our serodiscordant relationship began in 2017. We met on Grindr, as all modern romances do and was not taking anyone seriously. I proceeded to dismiss our formal conversation until he asked "what's your status?" My heart dropped. I thought about guy's I've dated in the past who'd prefer dating negative men only. One even said "I don't think I'll ever date someone who is HIV positive. It is too risky for me and I don't want to live like that. What if it's the same with this guy? I had nothing to lose. Finally, it came out. "I'm poz," I wrote. I prepared myself for the worst. I already sensed his disinterest and judgment. I already knew he wasn't going to respond. Though, I was proud of myself for speaking (or typing) up and accepting my reality. "That's okay." He responded. I was in shock. It's okay? You know what, it is okay. Even though he is negative, it is okay. Even though I am positive, it is okay. We as humans can be so hard on oneself that is creates fretfulness. The more we think on it, the more it'll eat us alive and worsen our pysche.

Being in a mixed status relationship isn't what is portrayed in film, books, or media. The story beginning with two strangers living their regular lives, falling in love, and experiencing a tragic event that concluded a not so happy ending. These are different times we're living in. It is not about two people formulating a bond because of sympathy. Or one person dedicating themselves to take care of another because they're deemed "disabled." It's looking past the stereotypes. What else is there? In a serodiscordant relationship, it is important to always be open to one another, establish mental intimacy, and be less apologetic of the past and more unapologetic on building a future with your partner. 

1. Be open. I'll be the first to admit I wasn't open with my partner in the beginning of our relationship. Though we've passed the stage of exchanging statuses, it didn't stop there. I struggled with showing vulnerability and it did cause us to get into a few disputes or disagreements. Why was it hard for me to emote? I kept this a secret for so long, I became numb to idea of meeting someone that would accept it. I never thought about what would happen after. I kept comparing him to the my former partner and that is the prime error one can make. Two different people. Two different kinds of love. I've learned (and am still learning) to speak up instead of shutting someone out. Communication is an essential trait that has to stay visible in a relationship or it won't work. Being open to each other's feelings or ideas is what holds value.
2. Establish mental intimacy. Gay men are often hypersexualized; making all believe they only to have sex with various men and nothing more. What I've witnessed watching shows such as Queer as Folk or Dante's Cove, is how unrealistic watching things are. It is unrealistic to have sex everyday. It is unrealistic to have sex with your partner every single day (with the exception of foreplay). There are days where you haven't prepped for it, don't feel alluring enough, or haven't been able to take your medication. There are other forms of intimacy that don't involve stripping down. As my relationship keeps developing, we've found ways to enhance our intimacy by doing things we enjoy together. Staying in watching movies while eating shamelessly is our ideal date (especially during a pandemic). Heading out for runs together, hanging with friends, talking for hours about anything while not paying attention to what's on TV, or even some drunk karaoke until five o'clock in the morning. These are ways in which we continuously keep our relationship active without it being sexual. Find hobbies you both enjoy and schedule dates to do them together. This is not at all taking away one's sexual urges, but to explore more about one another that hasn't been discovered before. 
3. Be less apologetic of the past and more unapologetic on building a future with your partner. By my early twenties, I accepted I wasn't going to find a partner because I felt uncomfortable disclosing my status. I was afraid of judgment and retaliation. Now being in a relationship for a few years, I refuse to feel sorry for myself. There comes a time when one can only grasp from the past until there is nothing left. The past is just a memory. I've learned from it and have applied these lessons as I continue to work hard on building a future with someone. Concentrate on ways to always improve your relationship and think: Do they keep you feeling exultant? Do they try their best to keep you on your toes (mine does)? Do they massage your feet every night after a long day of work (mine doesn't)?

From my experience, being in a serodiscordant relationship means I am able to discuss anything to my partner without feeling judged or shamed. Being diagnosed at an early age, I tremored at the idea someone would know my secret. Fast forward some years later, I wouldn't have believed to see myself as a being who is loved by another being despite my flaws. A being who continuously showcases his love for me in many ways. Someone who indeed loves all of me. We make sure we are active in our lives and push each other to be the best version of ourselves. Being in a serodiscordant relationship is not what makes us. We make it. We exemplify it. We embrace it. I want couples to know that love has no standard. HIV remains ubiquitous in society but with advanced medical research, one is able to live their lives happily without thinking of it as a death sentence. I used to think of myself as another statistic. Today, I can say that my existence is treasured. I dug deeper into myself before I accepted love from anyone else. The ones who love you only help one see they're capable of being profoundly admirable as the days go on.