Do You Really Hear Her/Him?
*Warning: the following might be interpreted as old-timey or sexist. I don’t intend it that way. I do not know many LGBTQ+ people so cannot voice a article on those social dynamics.
Husbands and wives are different. I do not say this to throw aspersions or advocate inequality, but to build a framework so husbands can understand “their women.”
Often the scariest thing to a husband is losing their job or failing a business. Often the scariest thing to a wife is her husband, or another man. Men are physically stronger than women most of the time, and this allows them to more directly engage in conflict of any sort. Women cannot afford to lose direct conflicts, especially if they come to blows. This imbalance of nature results in many differences in the needs and communication styles of men and women.
Man, the top priority in your relationship is to make your woman feel safe, in all dimensions. Safe from physical harm, safe from poverty, safe to voice her opinion, safe to raise a family, safe to contribute to a community, and safe to direct her life. This is essential. It is a high challenge, but if your woman is worth it, “the prize is always worth the fight.” *
Second is trust. Your significant other must know in her mind and her emotional bones that a man is strong, reliable, consistent, and loyal. She must be able to rely on you. This doesn’t mean you need be some Superman, but the more a woman trusts a man, the more a woman will freely give of herself.
Third is communication. Listen to your woman as a human you truly respect and honor. This does not mean cloying for approval, but it does mean spend meaningful time with her and be present every second you are with her. Understand that women communicate differently than men; there is more subtlety to their talk. Be willing to enter a woman’s world of conversation. Don’t be a therapist; be a complimentary and equal partner.
Fourth, hash out conflict before it compounds over time. It is the job of a man to make sure the relationship is solid. If you don’t resolve a conflict, the problem doesn’t go away. It simply gets worse. Like cancer.
Fifth, learn to be spontaneous and flirt. This is necessary to attraction; women don’t want some old bore. Many of the men’s books on dating focus on this component. There is no shortage of resources on how to be spontaneous and flirtatious.
Lastly, know your priorities and know her priorities. Make sure they align and respect the differences in values.
Now to focus on a woman’s contribution to a relationship.
Now would be a good time for a case study:
Link: https://content.fortune.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/656467668.jpg
Tomi Lahren recently posted a video on social media giving advice to men. I will not get into the details of the video ** or critique the positions, but strictly analyze this from the view of a man.
In the video, Ms. Tomi engages in a tone that many men find… unattractive. I am not advocating a “woman in the kitchen” ethic, but men are psychological creatures as well. Accepted facts DO CARE about our feelings. And all men have egos. The art of persuasion in gender dynamics needs to take this into account.
As a viewer of Mz. Tomi’s video, I instinctually get the sense that she is attacking men. This has nothing to do with her data or her arguments or her views, but simply the emotional tonality of what she is saying. I do not mean to attempt to “man-splain” things, but I believe Mz. Tomi would have affected larger change in her video if she did not give off an air of frustration and superiority.
I feel I am threading a very difficult needle here. Women do not have to be all sunshine, puppy dogs and rainbows. But there is an art to talking to people, and I strongly think that Mz. Tomi failed to take this into account.
If I had to proofread her video, I would have rewritten it as such.
“Hell, men! It is great to see you. Tomi here, and I want to thank all my fans, men and women alike, for their support.
Today’s talk is a little different. I am delivering a Public Service Announcement to men.
I know what you’re thinking. Another “Karen” daring to tell men what to do in relationships. But we are in this together, guys and gals. We got to work this out, and as a woman, who works REALLY hard to do her best in the world, I have to say…. Guys, you’re dropping the ball.
There… I said it. Men need to “man up.” It feels so good to get that off my chest.
I’m not going to get into the whole “not all men are like that” kinda spiel. I am talking from the experience of myself and my fantastic lady friends. And this is my voice:
Guys, it’s like dancing. We do want a leading man in our lives. We want no fool, we want no scrub, we want no broke… person. *smile*. In relationships I’ve seen, women are holding up way more than half the sky.
I will now officially break girl code, as dangerous as that is, and speak on the nitty gritty of how an awesome blossom gal, like myself, falls for a man.
Men:
1. If you ask a girl out, plan the date. You engaged the interaction, so we expect you to deliver.
2. Girls hate text game. Texting has its place, but don’t think we are your bae unless we regularly meet in meet space.
3. Don’t play no games. If you single, yes, we love a confident man who asks us out. For our own reasons, we may say no (or even yes!), but we always appreciate it. But we DO NOT want to be a side chick. So, if you married or in a serious relationship, tend your woman and leave us out of it.
4. Groom. For goodness sake, take care of your freakin hygiene. I don’t mean to get mad, but women have a better sense of smell than men and are immediately turned off by bad B.O. or a filthy pair of shoes. We don’t want to be your mom doing your laundry
5. Communicate. This is obvious.
6. Have standards. This is also obvious.
And that’s it. Rant over. Love you guys and gals. Peace!”
*A lyric from the Nickelback song, “If Today Was Your Last Day.”
**I cannot find the original video. An example of a commentary is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3d07RHbJU4 . I am unconcerned with the commentary, but it is the closest thing I can find to an original source.