Ptsd

Everyone deals with emotions differently. In the last 3 to years I have not been in a fight and for someone like me that is a fleet of an accomplishment. Applying to the military at age 19 was probably one of the smartest things I have done. They did not take me because of my mental problems and the small criminal record I had acquired since age 14. The reason I am bringing this up is because our vets go through alot of trauma and mental problems, but just because someone didn't serve In the military doesn't mean they don't suffer from PTSD.

The first year I was kidnapped, held hostage with shit and piss In my pants for 2 days. That was my only time I recall diaper rash, although ice had ringworm, scabies, bedbugs,  more abscesses and infections than I can count. I can't describe certain details about this event for obvious reasons. All I can say was there was some jealous people who had a crush on me and never aspired to do anything with their life because they dont have talent, and I do. Luckily I wasn't sexually assaulted this time, at least to my memory. To get drugged on sedatives and taken advantage of and stolen from made me feel so violated and powerless. Me being disrespected or Insulted was enough to assault some one in the past. I had took some anger management classes when I got out of prison this time I believe it helped me more than the time did. In these classes I learned how to deal with my anxiety,stress, sadness and anger. There was other people there who were like me to tell me good job for not punching someone in the face.

What needs to be understood is that everyone deals with feelings differently. There are people that have  gone through multiple abusive relationships, wars, battles etc, that don't cry or have panic attacks. There is also people like myself, who I will be the first to admit I am a narcissist, a drug addict and an angry person, that have been victimized from abuse, torture, and abandonment. It's been  over 3  years since I been in a fight and Im crawling in my skin.

It is better to set healthy boundaries than to demand respect through violence and intimidation. The difficult thing for me is when I am blatantly insulted and or disrespected, not to make an example out of that person and violently act out. You see power, violence, and respect is an intimacy . Just like love and heroin. I would enjoy seeking revenge on an evil person sometimes more than a hot date. Emotions cause people to act out, if we can think and not act so impulsive that the outcome of our decision will more likely be safe and productive. I'm not a philosopher, I am just someone who has been asked to write for a few years now and have a decent following and fanbase. I'm the guy everyone knows but hasn't met yet.

When I realized that some people were not worth my time because they would kick me when I was down. (Metaphorically) I began to grow and became able to control my anger better. It honestly discusts me that someone would be so low to steal from a homeless person while they drove there nice car back to their home, and I was left with no blankets behind a shopping cart. As you read here you can spot the professional victim as well as the narcissism as some may say, but I believe some things that happened to me I did not deserve. I did alot of bad things in my life  to alot of people. Karma is real, but one thing that still bothers me till this day is the wealthy tormenting the poor. 

I am a libertarian, In the sense that I believe you can do what you want to your own body as long as you have a good understanding of what you put in. Some people do not agree. One of these people was an acquaintance of mine who was a drunk snob who believed that I was lesser of a human. The man had asked for a sip of my drink and had spiked it. I than passed out and was tooken advantage of and stolen from I ran into him after that and he was crying and pouting because he felt so ashamed. No need to assault him, especially In a safe controlled environment. In this case he beat himself up. I can't say it doesn't upset me that someone would leave there apartment, drive down and drug and steal from a homeless person while passed out, but hey he has to live with himself and he at least knows he's a piece of shit.

I am an empath. I can feel peoples emotions and I try to relate with them. Even though I have Asperger's, which is a mild form of autism, I still can have empathy for certain people. The difference between empathy an sympathy is just experience. I can't empathize with an alcoholic completely because I am not one. However, I did use heroin for 12 years and I know what it's like to have my body physically crave something. 

LOVE 

If people could look at the similarities and not the differences In one another we would be able to love easier and grow as human beings. If we only look at the differences we will not be able to have Soo much sympathy yet alone empathy because every one thinks there different in a sense we are but it is all one human race.

There are times til this day when I start shivering and crying when these memories come up. It is terrifying and sad. I wish I can just forget and the pain would go away but it will not. I have tooken. Sedatives to calm down an medicated myself but they take away my personality. Kanye west stated that his meds affected his music and stunted his genious and I agree. If I am medicated and half asleep all day I cannot produce good work. The pain is just numb, it is not gone though. To turn this Pain into art and creativity is quite a great thing. I am Soo excited to be able to write and make a living. I am a firm believer that if you get paid to do what you enjoy you will never ave a job and your qaulity of life will be much better. Too many people go to work hating their life only to go to sleep and do it over again. I encourage everyone to find a passion and figure a way to prophet off of it. The happiest people I have ever met are the people who enjoy what they do for work.

The TRAUMA 

When the hot flashes and depression kicks in I will typically smoke cigarettes or try to think of happy thoughts. One person's pain may be another ones joy. I have learned to turn pain into pleasure and trauma into entertainment. I hope you all will love my work, my next story will be Human Guinea Pig Gone Wrong. For now the work may be dark and sad but without darkness you will not be able to understand me I know I made you laugh a few times here and believe me I will have some funny stories.