Why Do (most) Women Settle?

   When you've heard "never settle for a man" for your whole life, seeing a whole lot of Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg was always a trip. Why does Marge love Homer? Why does your boss of an older sister come home to the unemployed husband who games (instead of getting that physical training certificate he said he'd get four Christmas's ago)? Let's face it, most women settle. And it's usually the most beautiful and valuable ones too. If you want to get textbook, Freud might say she's filling a void from a childhood tainted with negligent parents and low self-esteem. That's she accepting the love she's familiar with, what she believes she deserves. But I think it's more gray area than that. And not so dark. After watching The Take's analyze "Why Women Settle" through television tropes on YouTube, I gained a little bit more insight. That the settling woman actually enjoys it. Nurturing mother role--unlocked. Yes, sometimes a grown man-baby is appealing because it provides a sense of achievement. And for the empowered woman, that's more than satisfying. Bonus points if you're able to change them.

   A classic tv example, and one I'm admittedly well-versed in, is Adult Swim phenomena Rick and Morty's Beth and Jerry. If you don't want any spoiling, this article might not be for you. In one episode Beth and Jerry go to alien couples' therapy where advanced technology turns each of them into apparitions of how they view each other--a literal projection. At first, we see how opposites are sometimes just that. Opposites, scratch the attract. Beth is Jerry's worse nightmare, a demonic scorpion monster that destroys everything in its path. While Beth's idea of Jerry is a chubby worm, with zero agency and fear of everything around it. Best of all, this pair is actually co-dependent; worm-Jerry leaching onto Beth for protection while Beth uses him as her servant. In this relationship, the result is absolute chaos. However, after the therapist takes a dump on their relationship and deems it the worse couple he's ever had...things change. This lights a fire beneath the two, and in defending their relationship, they find their answer. In focusing on what bond the two share, Jerry perceives Beth as an actual goddess. And Beth sees a strong hero inside of Jerry. Rather than using each other, they work together to fix the mess they caused. 

from this:

to this:

   As women, I'm sure at least a part of us just desires the after. The macho and confident man we can depend on while us goddesses direct life spotlit by the heavens. But I believe a lot of love happens somewhere in the middle and dipping into the parts we don't like is inevitable and human. And in looking at relationships from an outside perspective provides valuable insight into our own dynamics. It's easy to say, "wow, I'm doing charity work" for a man we settled for. Though again, there is a reason we do it. It's comfortable to feel dominant; but, giving in to that too much can cause co-dependency on "weaker" men. Or, perhaps a pattern of falling in love with pure potential (guilty). So he's a bit of a fixer-upper? Surprisingly, this is more of a win-win than we might let on. 1) He experiences growth we helped happen or 2) he doesn't grow and we are still the dominant one. One means power-couple and two means powerful woman, and let's be honest, both don't sound too bad. Look at Beyoncé. I believe a part of her elevated status is her contrast to Jay-Z. While both are undeniably talented, Beyoncé is constantly praised for her beauty and strength while Jay-Z is often written off as the less attractive cheater. Rather than the power couple they could've been, it's Queen B for a reason. Have you ever heard anyone put King Jay afterward? So as counterintuitive as it seems...there must be some sort of allure in being a Queen all on her own. And to all the independent women who have found themselves settling, perhaps this resonates with you. This sort of singularity isn't something we should beat ourselves up over wanting, but learn how to manage in order to find a healthy balance in our love lives.

   Now, despite Jerry's joblessness and emotional immaturity, there is something just sweet about the way he loves Beth. The very childishness that holds him back is also the child-like eyes he sees Beth through, getting excited about any quality time with her.  Even a mascot of her. In the episode "Mortynight Run" we see Jerry in immediate panic and desperation to leave the day-care. Only once he snuggles up to costumed Beth does he find his zen.

Oh, and there are plenty of other examples of his loyalty and exaggerated affection for his wife. We see it's Jerry's dream for the couple to play out the passionate romance of Jack and Rose on their Titanic-themed date. And watch a scene where he recalls their very first kiss, detail by detail as he re-experiences the same puppy love he felt in the past. So yes, even after *big spoiler alert* Beth's internal struggle about her marriage and the divorce, she ends up with him for the fact that he is quote "a simple, honest, simple" man. While any man can see a woman in his life, it is men like Jerry who see his life in a woman. And as undeveloped as that might seem, considering the stress and chaos of a strong woman's life, simplicity and unconditional love might just be what she needs.

   It's a traditional expectation for the modern American woman to have most, if not all, of her identity rooted in her role as a wife/mother. Beth's character speaks to all the women out there who identify with more than our relationships. As individual. And we find the journey of "self" shouldn't replace the familial role but has the power to compliment it. After all, the more we love ourselves, the more we can give love to others no? So as much of a mystery the settling woman may seem, a lot goes back to intentions that lie outside of the relationship itself. A whole psychological slurry of filling what's missing and finding what makes us just feel good. Now, don't get me wrong, I still stand by high standards and eventually finding a man who is able to keep up. That our complement doesn't have to be a polar opposite in order for things to be harmonious. That there is an element of choice in love that shouldn't tolerate heavy amounts of incompatibility. Though I believe we can all empathize more with the Beths and the Marge Simpsons of the world; a position I'm sure we have all found ourselves in at least once. For there is no shame in just wanting to feel loved.