Are We Reasonable Beings?

It was another one of these photocopied February days and in order to make a difference for myself I decided to stride downtown and make the best out of my daily exercise, combining it with what otherwise would have been an unpleasant chore. I had promised my little ones that I would open a savings account for each of them, in an effort to teach them the value of money, savings and financial planning. I had unsuccessfully tried to do this online and on the phone until a very helpful lady on the Barclays hotline suggested I should just walk in one of the brunches and hope to be lucky! I was not impressed with their organisation and customer service I must admit, but I needed to walk anyway and to be honest I had missed the sight of our mighty castle and the idea of a less crowded town centre felt appealing. I took a long and intense walk enjoying the half empty central Edinburgh streets under an undecided over the past few days grey sky. Sweaty and puffing, I arrived at the bank.

Unsurprisingly the people at the brunch couldn't help me. ''We don't make appointments during the lockdown, I am afraid'', a young female employee told me through a pair of manually half opened automatic doors. A month later I decided to go back. My attempt was once again unsuccessful, however this time I managed to make an appointment.

Was it a month or 4 months later that I finally found myself sitting in the busy waiting room? I couldn't remember. What I could remember though was the extreme difficulty in booking an appointment in order to sort out something seemingly simple. Thank you corona virus. So, here I was, sitting in a tiny windowless room on the top floor at Barclays, staring at the bank employee who was sitting behind a plexiglass screen and typing rigorously in front of his computer screen. ''Is your son living with you?'', he asked me  in a serious voice. His thinning blonde hair was shining under the artificial light of the inadequately ventilated room. He was many years younger than me but he had the aura of an older person, emitting conservatism and rigidity with every word he uttered and every gesture he made. 'Yes', I answered patiently while hoping for this barrage of silly questions to end sometime soon. ''It seems this utility bill is printed off the internet, is that so?'' ''Yes'', I answered, impatiently this time. ''I am afraid I cannot accept it if it's printed off the internet'', he exclaimed. ''There are no paper house bills coming under my name, we've gone paperless. There still validity there, isn't there? These are the genuine PDFs from the official sites!'', I eagerly tried to explain. ''I understand'', he said, ''but there is a URL printed on the bottom of the page. I don't mind if it is actually printed off the internet but it shouldn't really LOOK like it is.''

At that point I think I stared at him with my mouth left slightly open. I was trying hard to process the information and make some sense out of it. I couldn't really. ''Do you have a bank account?'', he went on. ''Of course I do!'', I answered this time obviously annoyed. ''Great'', he said, ''Could you open your banking app and print out a recent bank statement for me please?''. I am sure that my mouth was wide open at that point. I stared at him for a couple of seconds trying to apply my calming breathing technique as much as the time and place allowed. ''Let me just try to clarify things here'', I finally pulled myself together. ''Would you like me to print my bank statement ...off the internet?'', I cried while trying to contain my bubbling objection. With his most natural tone he answered ''yes''.

I suddenly remembered my severe allergy to human incoherence and unreasonability. ''I can't comply with this, it is against my personal values'', I thought. ''I don't do banking on my phone, I don't think it's safe. I am sorry'', I managed to say in a condescending voice. I am not sure what exactly the story with the apps is. There are definitely other ways to use technology in order to achieve the same wanted results but we are often called to download another one of these apps. These apps that sit on your personal phone and send all your data to a zillion highly interested companies in order to make a fortune out of them. You cannot really control or change the app settings in order to prevent it from spying on you. I just firmly believe that companies and organisations should be providing people with an alternative option. I am not in any way obliged to use Google or Apple. This is a free market society, a capitalistic world where there should be healthy corporate competition and options, right? How come are we suddenly, or not so suddenly evidently, all so happy to fill our phone memory with all this rubbish? Why don't people opt for the browser version of software where you can potentially disable cookies and have some control over what you share with the corporate vultures?

That was it, my inner bitch was out, now I just had to control her and make sure she doesn't bite too much. ''Sure'', he said, ''I understand''. He finally accepted another utility bill that looked... less like it was printed off the internet. ''Does your daughter live with you?'', he continued with ticking the idiotically engineered boxes. ''Yes...'', I sighed silently. Hopefully I would be out of this asphyxiating room soon. ''If you could please sign here and here... Here are your account numbers and sort code!'' He gave me the numbers written on the back of a copy of my password. ''Could I make a deposit today? I asked with an instant regret. ''Do you have cash on you?'', he replied. I didn't. ''You need to go to your bank and withdraw some money then and then come back here to make a deposit.'' That was it. I couldn't contain myself any more. I felt I didn't have to. ''Cash?? But I am at a bank after all! Cash and paper bills?? You people at Barclays need to catch up with the evolving world and update your services!'', I barked at him. He gave me an apologetic smile and pretended to agree with me. I thanked him and I got out of there in no time.

As I exited the building and started to stride down Princess Street, I felt I needed to reward myself for being as patient as I was. A good dose of reason and a generous portion of sarcasm was what I needed. I went home and later in the evening I decided to watch again one of my favourite Frankie Boyle's shows, my favourite latest antidote to the general absence of reason and everyday irrational human interactions...