What I Learned From Being Passive Aggressive

The Introvert’s side of the story!
relationships · 4 min
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If this title got your attention, my guess is that you’re either passive-aggressive; introverted; both; or just interested. For all parties that have gathered, let me add the disclaimer that being an introvert is a personality trait and therefore reflects features of your personality.

However, being passive-aggressive is a behavior that can be demonstrated by any personality type. Introversion does not equal passive aggression. The two are mutually exclusive. Capisce? Capisce! Moving along.

If you’re an introvert, odds are you’re to yourself, don’t care to be in the spotlight, very observant, and breathe a great sigh of relief when plans get canceled. Sure, I just described myself, but if you checked those boxes too then hello fellow introvert!

With the common characteristics of this personality type being reticent and dare I say skeptical (sometimes) of the company of others, it is no wonder that confrontation repels the average introvert. Confrontation can be heated and intense, but other times it can be as simple as approaching someone regarding a minor issue (or vice versa).

Concisely put, confrontation can also be voicing your concerns where otherwise you would’ve been quiet.

Allow me to share with you all what being passive-aggressive has taught me.

1. People will misconstrue your silence as a license to push you around

Often times, silence is translated into a sign of weakness. It is assumed that because there is no blatant opposition to the matter at hand, you’ve forfeited all power to assert yourself. This moment becomes the reference point for future encounters. It starts as just one instance of compliance, then soon graduates into an endless “yes man” cycle. Though you’re reluctant, you find it hard to disagree now that you’ve set this trend of going along with it. And just like that, you find yourself being treated like a doormat.

2. Words will be put in your mouth

Silence leaves room for too many interpretations—many of which are not your own. Following this misconception is a string of many others that stem from the original. Along with pushing you around, people will nominate themselves as your honorary spokesperson. On those (rare) occasions when you want to speak up, you find that you’ve already been spoken for. The worst part is, the view or opinion doesn’t even fall in accordance with your actual views or opinions! It’s infuriating! 

Here’s a positive...

3. You become even more observant

Just because you’ve become the person that never speaks up, doesn’t mean your other abilities aren’t working. I found that my observation skills sharpened from staying quiet. While everyone else fought to be the loudest in the room, I was able to detect traits and qualities that were detrimental to many characters. You learn to avoid a certain type of person a lot easier when you can read them. Conversely, you learn to befriend those that are imperative to character development. These are good people you can learn from. 

And lastly, 

4. Your conscience will nag you.

This is the worst one. In fact, this is the one that drives me to speak up if I’ve received a wrong food order, a wrong service, or I’ve simply been cut in line. (Ok, still working on the last one.) I can admit, I’ve reluctantly taken a wrong food item and scolded myself for hours on end. The voice in your head is louder and more condemning than any outside voice could ever be. After all, you are your own worst critic, right?

This is the internal equivalent of blatantly disregarding a parent that told you to complete some household chores. Now the garage of that same parent is opening menacingly, the car engine is getting progressively louder, and all you’ve done all day was watch TV.

The voice in my head though is none of those things. It is the collective sound of the paced footsteps towards the door and the insertion of the key into the lock. I just can’t bear to relive this daunting scenario every time I shy away from conflict. So you see, I’ve learned to speak up over time. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than where I was. 

It’s hard to separate passive aggression from introversion, especially when the two are practically married. When trying to adjust to fit a new form of approach, it can feel as though you are completely altering your personality.

The good news though, time and experience will carve out your voice. I’ve spoken to a few older people, and they’ve all had similar experiences with being passive in their youth.

dealing with passive aggressive behavior
dealing with passive-aggressive

I’ve learned enough about myself to know that I no longer want to deal with the byproduct of being passive-aggressive. If you share the same sentiments, then it’s time to initiate the change. Start with something small and stay consistent. If you ever feel uncomfortable with these changes, you’re doing it right. It’s time to push out of that comfort zone. 

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Opinions and Perspectives

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Ella_Blossom commented Ella_Blossom 3 years ago

Great insights about how silence can be misinterpreted. Communication really is key.

5
BriaM commented BriaM 3 years ago

The description of internal dialogue is incredibly accurate. That voice never stops!

2
DeliaX commented DeliaX 3 years ago

This gave me the push I needed to start working on being more direct.

5
Ellie_Hopeful commented Ellie_Hopeful 3 years ago

I'm actually relieved to know that being passive-aggressive isn't tied to being an introvert.

8
JacksonEdwards commented JacksonEdwards 3 years ago

The gradual approach to change suggested here seems much more manageable than trying to change overnight.

2
SkylarFoster commented SkylarFoster 3 years ago

Finally, someone put into words what I've been experiencing for years.

8
Stahl_Stories commented Stahl_Stories 3 years ago

Interesting how many of us recognize ourselves in this piece. Clearly a common struggle.

3
Dakota_Ramos commented Dakota_Ramos 3 years ago

The article makes me feel validated but also challenges me to grow. That's rare.

6
Melanie_Light commented Melanie_Light 3 years ago

Finding the balance between being assertive and maintaining introvert energy is key.

6
Lawler_Look commented Lawler_Look 3 years ago

I'm sharing this with my team. We need to create an environment where everyone feels comfortable speaking up.

5
Lucy commented Lucy 3 years ago

The workplace examples are particularly relevant. Office dynamics can really reinforce these patterns.

6
DigitalMonk commented DigitalMonk 3 years ago

This article perfectly describes my journey from being passive-aggressive to more direct.

5
JessicaL commented JessicaL 3 years ago

Would love to see a follow-up article with specific strategies for becoming more assertive.

7
LostInTheCode commented LostInTheCode 3 years ago

Reading about others' similar experiences makes me feel less alone in this struggle.

2
Delaney-Webster commented Delaney-Webster 4 years ago

I appreciate that this acknowledges the difference between personality and behavior.

6
Shiloh_Skies commented Shiloh_Skies 4 years ago

The part about setting trends of compliance really hit home. Breaking that pattern is tough.

4
Diana_Flame commented Diana_Flame 4 years ago

Never thought about how being quiet makes you more observant. That's actually pretty cool.

5
Jade_Lantern commented Jade_Lantern 4 years ago

I'm going to bookmark this for whenever I need a reminder to be more assertive.

1
InfinityLoop commented InfinityLoop 4 years ago

This explains why I always feel guilty after staying silent in important moments.

7
LincolnBryant commented LincolnBryant 4 years ago

The article could have mentioned how passive-aggression affects relationships too.

5
Tasha99 commented Tasha99 4 years ago

Started speaking up more after similar realizations. It's scary but worth it.

6
Yvette_Luxe commented Yvette_Luxe 4 years ago

Those four learning points are spot on. Especially the conscience nagging one.

6
Lorelai_Star commented Lorelai_Star 4 years ago

Love how the article doesn't shame anyone but encourages positive change.

1
EternalLoveStory commented EternalLoveStory 4 years ago

Reading this was like holding up a mirror. Time to make some changes.

1
Rather_Report commented Rather_Report 4 years ago

The article perfectly captures the internal struggle between wanting to speak up and staying quiet.

7
SamaraX commented SamaraX 4 years ago

Just shared this with my introvert friend group. We're all feeling seen right now.

8
NaomiGreen commented NaomiGreen 4 years ago

I wonder if cultural factors play a role in passive-aggressive behavior too.

0
AstronautDreamer commented AstronautDreamer 4 years ago

Fascinating how many of us share these experiences. We're definitely not alone in this.

3
Caroline_Torres commented Caroline_Torres 4 years ago

This made me realize how much energy I waste being passive-aggressive instead of just being direct.

5
Belloni_Blog commented Belloni_Blog 4 years ago

The observation skills part is interesting. Maybe we should embrace being quiet sometimes?

4
Serena_Mystic commented Serena_Mystic 4 years ago

My boss could really benefit from reading this. She mistakes quietness for agreement all the time.

0
Hayes_Herald commented Hayes_Herald 4 years ago

I appreciate how the article acknowledges that change takes time and consistency.

1
April-Moody commented April-Moody 4 years ago

Been working on being more assertive for months now. It gets easier with practice, trust me.

6
MichaelMiller commented MichaelMiller 4 years ago

The food order example is so relatable. I once ate a completely wrong meal just to avoid confrontation.

0
AlondraH commented AlondraH 4 years ago

I'm trying to teach my kids to be assertive. This article helps me understand why it's so important.

1
Miranda-Gomez commented Miranda-Gomez 4 years ago

This explains why I feel so exhausted after avoiding confrontation. It's mentally draining.

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HollySweets commented HollySweets 4 years ago

The comfort zone point is crucial. Growth really does happen when we're uncomfortable.

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ChristianDiaz commented ChristianDiaz 4 years ago

Anyone else feel personally attacked by this article? In a good way, of course!

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GhostlyWhispers commented GhostlyWhispers 4 years ago

I showed this to my partner who's always telling me to speak up more. Finally, they understand!

0
Mona_Mystic commented Mona_Mystic 4 years ago

The part about people putting words in your mouth is frustrating. I've lost count of how many times this has happened to me.

1
Nova_Sunset commented Nova_Sunset 4 years ago

Great article but I wish it had more practical tips for overcoming passive-aggressive tendencies.

4
BlytheS commented BlytheS 4 years ago

This reminds me of all the times I've let people speak for me. Never again.

7
Jillian_Lavish commented Jillian_Lavish 4 years ago

The older people perspective is encouraging. Nice to know there's hope for us passive folks!

7
Goodman_Guide commented Goodman_Guide 4 years ago

I've found that writing down what I want to say before confrontations helps me be more assertive.

7
Veronica_Bloom commented Veronica_Bloom 4 years ago

My therapist recommended this article to me and now I understand why. The doormat analogy really resonates.

1
JulianBell commented JulianBell 4 years ago

The article makes some good points, but I think it oversimplifies how difficult it is to change these behaviors.

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JanelleB commented JanelleB 4 years ago

Being observant is great, but it shouldn't come at the cost of expressing ourselves.

7
Charlotte_98 commented Charlotte_98 4 years ago

This actually motivated me to speak up about something I've been avoiding. Thank you for sharing these insights.

0
Aurora_Hope commented Aurora_Hope 4 years ago

The yes-man cycle described in the article is exactly what happened to me at my last job. Wish I'd read this sooner.

1
CelesteM commented CelesteM 4 years ago

I respectfully disagree with separating introversion from passive-aggression. In my experience, they're deeply connected.

2
ConnorP commented ConnorP 4 years ago

The conscience nagging part is spot on. That internal voice can be more brutal than any external criticism.

0
Annie_Golden commented Annie_Golden 4 years ago

Anyone else find it ironic that we're all quietly reading and commenting about being passive-aggressive instead of dealing with actual confrontations?

2
Dove_Whimsy commented Dove_Whimsy 4 years ago

Interesting point about introversion and passive-aggression being different things. I never thought about it that way before.

4
AlainaH commented AlainaH 4 years ago

Can't believe how much I needed to read this right now. Just yesterday I let someone cut in line without saying anything.

6
Zoe-Faith commented Zoe-Faith 4 years ago

The suggestion to start with small changes is practical. I've been trying this approach and it's actually working.

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Kayla_Sullivan commented Kayla_Sullivan 4 years ago

This article feels like it was written about me. The part about taking wrong food orders and beating myself up about it later is so accurate.

6
Macy-Ellis commented Macy-Ellis 4 years ago

I never thought about how being quiet could actually improve observation skills. That's a fascinating silver lining.

8
Isabella commented Isabella 4 years ago

The comparison to waiting for parents to come home really made me laugh. That anxiety is so familiar!

5
Riley_Campbell commented Riley_Campbell 4 years ago

I disagree with the previous comment. Being direct is always better than being passive-aggressive. It saves everyone time and frustration.

0
MagicOfLove commented MagicOfLove 4 years ago

While I understand the perspective, I don't think being passive-aggressive is always a bad thing. Sometimes it's a survival mechanism.

7
Paula-Duncan commented Paula-Duncan 4 years ago

The part about people misconstruing silence as weakness hits home. I've experienced this at work countless times.

3
QuantumGlitchX commented QuantumGlitchX 4 years ago

I really relate to this article. Being an introvert myself, I've struggled with speaking up in situations where I should have.

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