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When I was a girl, one of my favorite stories was The Princess and The Pea, by Hans Christian Andersen. I've included it as a youtube video at the end of the article for those of you who wish to indulge your inner child! It's Andersen's story, short and sweet, told in its entirety in 3 minutes' time.
I can still feel that uncanny sense of kinship with the princess, who had such delicate skin, she turned black and blue from sleeping atop twenty mattresses and twenty featherbeds, beneath which lay a single solitary pea. This was the strategy the Queen had figured out, so that her son, the prince, might marry a "true" princess because real royalty obviously had VERY delicate skin.
I suppose what really appealed to me in the story was the suggestion that someone's heightened sensitivity might in fact have value, be appreciated, and might even bestow a certain amount of status on a person. The idea that a male suitor might even seek those traits and pursue them really just tickled me pink!
Wouldn't you know it, I turned out to be what author and psychologist Elaine Aron calls a "highly sensitive person," or HSP, in her groundbreaking book The Highly Sensitive Person. Elaine Aron and her husband, Art Aron developed and validated the Highly Sensitive Person Scale (HSPS) in the 1990s. It is available on their website.
According to Aron, HSPs, who make up between 15-20% of the general population, have unique and finely tuned nervous systems that process stimuli deeply. In fact, they have stronger reactivity to both external and internal stimuli—including but not limited to---pain, hunger, light, and noise.
Some of the following characteristics (as delineated in the June 2021 Psychology Today article by Melody Wilding, LMSW) can help you decide.
Science says it's so: HSPs seem to have more active "mirror" neurons, which are responsible for understanding others' emotions.
They are at their best when they have time and space to reflect before responding. It's crucial to give them the chance to process all that information they're constantly taking in.
Sometimes, they are very sensitive and take things too personally than they actually should.
HSPs have rich inner lives. This means they can be highly original, creative, and extremely self-aware. On the other hand, it’s common at times for HSPs to overthink and over-analyze day-to-day experiences.
HSPs respond more strongly to criticism than their non-HSP counterparts. On the flip side, HSPs also respond more strongly to words of praise.
They take in the specifics of situations and notice the smallest changes. They're highly attuned to what others like, dislike, and prefer, and that perceptiveness can win friends and allies quickly. On the downside, their meticulousness can turn into perfectionism if not carefully managed.
Rather than accepting a job simply for the paycheck, an HSP is more likely to choose a path that is more of a "calling."
So now that you know some of the common traits or characteristics that classify an HSP, think of your mate. Do they become "hangry" (hungry + angry) often? Do they complain of loud noises or bright lights?
Do they say things like "going to the dentist is a mild form of torture?" Do loud, crowded places like dance clubs and pubs turn them off? Do they hate Vegas and prefer quiet, serene woodsy places with a running creek? Do they look crushed when you shout out your frustrations with them?
There are many challenges inherent in the life of an HSP, but with some essential knowledge about what these folks really need to be happy, you can help them to thrive.
According to Jenn Granneman's April 2021 article on the Highly Sensitive Refuge website "14 Things Highly Sensitive People Absolutely Need to Be Happy," HSPs process information differently, so they need different things in life to be happy.
She goes on to inform us that self-care is crucial for HSPs. A good night's sleep, healthy, regularly planned out meals, making sure to get in that morning workout every day, and taking time out at the end of a busy day to decompress are luxuries for some, but necessities for the highly sensitive person. Encourage your significant other to take these extra self-care steps when their motivation wanes.
Granneman states in her article that a slower, simpler pace of life can calm an HSP's overtaxed system. Getting away from the frenetic pace of life will do your significant other a world of good, particularly if they can enjoy some natural beauty. Suggest a hike in a redwood forest or near a scenic lake. Walk up a hill or mountaintop to appreciate the breathtaking view. Take in a field of wildflowers or go to a rose garden.
A creative outlet of some kind can also be genuinely nourishing to the highly sensitive person's soul. Many HSPs have an urgent need to create. They channel their wealth of observations, emotions, and insights into art, short stories, plays, poetry, music, and more.
Deborah Ward, the author of Overcoming Low Self-Esteem with Mindfulness, writes, “Sensitivity can be overwhelming, but it is also like having extra RAM on my personal hard drive…Creativity is the pressure valve for all that accumulated emotional and sensory data.”
Healthy ways of handling conflict with a partner are essential as well. Heated arguments, passive-aggressiveness, or the "silent" treatment, while hard for anyone to tolerate, can make a highly sensitive person really anxious or depressed. Dealing with strong emotions, especially anger, can be overstimulating for an HSP.
Those who are highly sensitive crave close, meaningful relationships and deep connections with others. In fact, according to Elaine Aron, they may get bored or restless in superficial relationships.
They're not easily drawn to relationship hopping, however. They may just work a little harder to create that meaning or intimacy within their interactions. HSPs also tend to be rather selective about the people with whom they choose to spend their time.
A shallow or surface-level relationship will simply not suffice for an HSP. They'd rather take a deep plunge into your soul and connect in extraordinary ways.
If you want to win enough brownie points with your partner to make a chocolate souffle though, the single most essential thing that will make your HSP mate's heart sing is this: loved ones who understand and respect their sensitive nature.
They need at least a couple, preferably close people in their lives, who "get" their sensitivity. Because the majority of people aren't highly sensitive, they're not going to understand what it's like to become super stressed out over a very busy weekend, or from watching Jaws or The Hiding Place or Silence of the Lambs (or any other highly graphic and/or gory movie).
They need someone who not only "gets" it, but someone who can help protect them from the frenzied feeling of overstimulation (“Yes, it’s perfectly fine with me if we leave the party now.
I can see from your face that you’re about ready to de- combust.") And it would even be icing on the cake if that same person could gently brush out the bed before going to sleep with their mate to make sure there are no stray peas there.
This makes me want to take the HSP scale test. So many of these traits sound familiar.
Learning about HSPs has helped me stop judging myself so harshly for needing extra time to process things.
Its nice to know theres actually research behind these experiences many of us have had.
The description of HSPs needing meaning in their work really hits home. I cant just work for a paycheck.
As a parent of an HSP child, this information is invaluable for understanding their needs.
This helps explain why some people need more recovery time after intense experiences.
Never realized there was such a strong scientific basis for being highly sensitive.
The Princess and the Pea analogy is perfect. Sometimes small things others dont notice can feel huge to us.
Its refreshing to see sensitivity portrayed as a valid trait rather than a weakness to overcome.
The suggestions for managing overstimulation are really helpful. I need to try some of these.
Being an HSP in todays fast-paced world can be challenging, but knowledge is power.
This explains why I get so overwhelmed in places like shopping malls and concerts.
Understanding HSP traits has helped me be more patient with my partner who needs more processing time.
I appreciate how the article emphasizes that HSPs arent just being difficult when they need certain accommodations.
The idea that sensitivity could be valued really speaks to me. We need more acceptance of different personality types.
As an HSP married to a non-HSP, communication about our different needs has been key.
Love that this explains both the challenges and gifts of being highly sensitive.
The article could have addressed more strategies for HSPs in workplace settings.
I used to feel guilty about needing alone time after social events. Now I understand its just how Im wired.
The connection between high sensitivity and empathy is fascinating. No wonder HSPs often work in helping professions.
Interesting how HSPs respond more strongly to both criticism and praise. That definitely tracks with my experience.
This helps explain why some people need more processing time than others in conversations.
The emphasis on having meaningful relationships over casual ones really resonates with my experience as an HSP.
Finally, something that explains why I need so much downtime after socializing!
Im amazed by how accurately this describes my experience, especially regarding conflict and strong emotions.
Great article but lets remember that everyone experiences sensitivity differently. Its not one size fits all.
The part about HSPs noticing what others miss really speaks to me. Im always picking up on subtle changes others dont see.
Learning to work with my sensitivity instead of against it has made such a difference in my relationships.
I appreciate how the article addresses both the challenges and benefits of being highly sensitive.
This information would have been so helpful when I was younger. I always thought there was something wrong with me.
Never thought about the connection between being an HSP and choosing meaningful career paths. Explains why I left my high-paying corporate job.
The specific examples about getting hangry and hating the dentist are so relatable. I feel seen!
My therapist suggested I might be an HSP and this article confirms it. Everything makes so much more sense now.
Totally agree about HSPs needing people who get it. Having understanding friends has been life-changing for me.
Reading this makes me realize my daughter might be an HSP. She notices everything and gets overwhelmed easily.
The comparison to having extra RAM on a hard drive is brilliant. It perfectly describes how my brain processes everything.
As someone who loves an HSP, I can confirm that understanding and respecting their needs makes all the difference.
Im showing this to my family. Maybe theyll finally understand why I cant watch intense movies with them.
The suggestions for helping HSPs thrive are really practical. Taking regular nature walks has made such a difference for me.
I love how the article emphasizes that sensitivity can be a positive trait, not just a burden to overcome.
That bit about HSPs having stronger reactivity to both external and internal stimuli explains so much about my life experiences.
Learning about HSPs has transformed my marriage. I now understand why my husband needs alone time after work.
The article makes good points but lets not pathologize normal human variations in sensitivity.
My partner and I both scored high on the HSP scale. We understand each other so well but sometimes its double the sensitivity to manage!
Im learning to embrace my sensitivity instead of seeing it as a weakness. This article really helps explain why.
The connection between sensitivity and creativity is fascinating. It makes sense that HSPs would need an outlet for all that sensory input.
Sometimes I worry that being an HSP makes me high maintenance in relationships. This article helps explain why certain things are important to me.
I used to feel so alone in my sensitivity until I learned about HSPs. Now I understand its actually a documented trait.
This article could have been written about me! Especially the part about needing time to reflect before responding in conversations.
Anyone else feel validated by the criticism section? I always thought I was just thin-skinned.
The creative outlet part is spot on. Writing poetry has always been my way of processing all the stimuli and emotions I experience.
I find it hard to believe that being sensitive is some special trait. Everyone has different comfort levels with different things.
My wife used to say I was too sensitive until she read about HSPs. Now she understands why I need time to decompress after social events.
That point about HSPs getting bored in superficial relationships makes so much sense. I always thought I was just being picky.
No wonder I hate Vegas! Finally have an explanation for why those environments are so overwhelming for me.
Interesting to learn that 15-20% of people are HSPs. I wonder how many go undiagnosed or just think something is wrong with them.
I appreciate how the article explains that being highly sensitive can actually be a strength, especially in terms of creativity and perception.
The self-care section is crucial. My husband is an HSP and his whole day gets thrown off if he misses his morning routine.
Not everyone who dislikes loud noises is an HSP. I feel like people are too quick to label themselves these days.
This explains so much about my relationship. I used to think my girlfriend was just being difficult about loud places and bright lights.
My partner is definitely an HSP. The hangry thing is so real - I've learned to always pack snacks when we go out!
I never knew about the scientific basis behind high sensitivity. Those mirror neurons explaining empathy levels is fascinating.
The part about HSPs needing meaningful relationships really resonates with me. I've always struggled with small talk and prefer deeper connections.
Actually, I think being highly sensitive is just an excuse for people who can't handle normal life situations. We all deal with stress and stimuli.
I really relate to this article. As an HSP myself, I finally feel understood and validated. The Princess and the Pea reference is so spot on!