Do You Love Them Or The Version Of Them You Made Up?

The question you should ask yourself is: can you see the red flags in them or are you choosing to ignore them?

If you are choosing to ignore all their red flags you may be idealizing who you think they have the potential to be. And that idealization leads you to fall for a version of them that doesn't exist.

Potential is a dangerous thing, it makes you believe they can be better than they are. It can be unfair to you and the other person having these expectations of them that they may never be able to reach. And slowly but surely those expectations you had of them will turn into future resentments.

You have to see them for how they’re showing up, what they’re showing you is exactly who they are. And it’s easy to overlook their red flags in the hope they’ll become the person you think they have the potential to be. But the thing is that day may never come and it’s heartbreaking when you finally accept that they will never become the person you think they can be.

The thing is the more & more effort and the love you put into the person won’t magically turn them into who you think they can be. They are who they are and will not become the person you think they have the potential to be if they don’t want to fix themselves.

And when this person you poured out so much love for doesn’t become that person you thought they could be it’s so easy to blame yourself. It’s easy to think you didn’t love them enough when in reality it was never about you. Their unwillingness to change isn’t your fault and has nothing to with who you are.

One of my favorite podcasts, In Your Feelings, dives into how dangerous it is when you fall for someone’s potential & ways to move on from how heartbreaking it can be.

One of the things mentioned in the podcast that’s important to think about when you’re stuck trying to let go and move on from someone you should ask yourself this question:

If you were to stop putting effort into this relationship, into this person what would happen?

And if your answer falls somewhere along the lines of the relationship would fall apart or cease to exist then maybe your relationship wasn't what you imagined it to be.

It's not your fault for wanting to believe in their goodness or in that they could be better than they are. But realize you deserve someone who proves they can be your person and be what you need. You deserve the kind of love that you always so easily give to everyone else without a second thought.