Do You Love Them Or The Version Of Them You Made Up?

There's no greater waste of time then falling for someone's potential.
relationships · 2 min
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potential
Photo Source: Pexels

The question you should ask yourself is: can you see the red flags in them or are you choosing to ignore them?

If you are choosing to ignore all their red flags you may be idealizing who you think they have the potential to be. And that idealization leads you to fall for a version of them that doesn't exist.

Potential is a dangerous thing, it makes you believe they can be better than they are. It can be unfair to you and the other person having these expectations of them that they may never be able to reach. And slowly but surely those expectations you had of them will turn into future resentments.

You have to see them for how they’re showing up, what they’re showing you is exactly who they are. And it’s easy to overlook their red flags in the hope they’ll become the person you think they have the potential to be. But the thing is that day may never come and it’s heartbreaking when you finally accept that they will never become the person you think they can be.

The thing is the more & more effort and the love you put into the person won’t magically turn them into who you think they can be. They are who they are and will not become the person you think they have the potential to be if they don’t want to fix themselves.

And when this person you poured out so much love for doesn’t become that person you thought they could be it’s so easy to blame yourself. It’s easy to think you didn’t love them enough when in reality it was never about you. Their unwillingness to change isn’t your fault and has nothing to with who you are.

One of my favorite podcasts, In Your Feelings, dives into how dangerous it is when you fall for someone’s potential & ways to move on from how heartbreaking it can be.

One of the things mentioned in the podcast that’s important to think about when you’re stuck trying to let go and move on from someone you should ask yourself this question:

If you were to stop putting effort into this relationship, into this person what would happen?

And if your answer falls somewhere along the lines of the relationship would fall apart or cease to exist then maybe your relationship wasn't what you imagined it to be.

It's not your fault for wanting to believe in their goodness or in that they could be better than they are. But realize you deserve someone who proves they can be your person and be what you need. You deserve the kind of love that you always so easily give to everyone else without a second thought. 

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JustMetSoulmate commented JustMetSoulmate 3 years ago

This article just saved me from making the same mistake again. Thank you for sharing.

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Piper_Watson commented Piper_Watson 3 years ago

The hardest part is accepting that someone may never become who you know they could be.

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Delilah-Hughes commented Delilah-Hughes 3 years ago

Needed this reminder today. Sometimes we get so caught up in what could be that we miss what is.

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ZenModeActivated commented ZenModeActivated 3 years ago

Finally, an article that explains why I keep ending up heartbroken. Time to change my patterns.

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Greenwald_Gazette commented Greenwald_Gazette 3 years ago

This hits different when you're actually going through it. Currently trying to accept someone as they are.

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DarkVisionary commented DarkVisionary 3 years ago

Great article but it's tough to implement in real life when you care about someone.

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HaleyWanders commented HaleyWanders 3 years ago

After reading this, I'm questioning if I actually know the real versions of people in my life.

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Skylar_Giggles commented Skylar_Giggles 3 years ago

The concept of loving someone's potential versus their reality is profound. Really making me think.

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HyperSpaceX commented HyperSpaceX 3 years ago

This is why I started asking myself what someone brings to the table now, not what they could bring someday.

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Fawn_Rose commented Fawn_Rose 3 years ago

Reading this was like having someone finally put into words what I've been feeling.

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BraydenHayes commented BraydenHayes 3 years ago

Feeling called out but in a good way. Time to do some serious self-reflection.

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TheShadowLord commented TheShadowLord 3 years ago

This made me realize I need to work on accepting people as they are instead of trying to fix them.

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RileyStewart commented RileyStewart 3 years ago

It's scary how easy it is to fall into this trap, especially when you care about someone.

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Genesis commented Genesis 3 years ago

Anyone else feel like they need to apologize to their ex after reading this? I definitely projected a lot.

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LennonJ commented LennonJ 3 years ago

The part about it being heartbreaking when you finally accept reality really hit home.

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LeahMason commented LeahMason 3 years ago

This explains why I keep ending up disappointed in relationships. I'm dating potential, not people.

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HopelessRomanticVibes commented HopelessRomanticVibes 3 years ago

Just realized I might be doing this with my current partner. Not sure what to do with this information.

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DavidBrown commented DavidBrown 3 years ago

I've been on both sides of this and neither feels good. We need to learn to accept people as they are.

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JamesP1995 commented JamesP1995 3 years ago

That question about stopping effort is brutal but necessary. Really puts things in perspective.

0
Veronica-Stokes commented Veronica-Stokes 3 years ago

I do this with my kids too, always seeing their potential rather than accepting who they are right now.

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Hazel_Moore commented Hazel_Moore 3 years ago

Been in therapy working through this exact issue. It's hard to break the pattern once you recognize it.

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PhoebeH commented PhoebeH 3 years ago

What a powerful way to look at relationships. Really makes you think about your own patterns.

3
FirstDateMagic commented FirstDateMagic 3 years ago

Anyone else feel like they need to reevaluate all their relationships after reading this?

8
MayaVibes commented MayaVibes 3 years ago

I think society kind of encourages this with all those love stories about changing the bad boy.

4
EleanorM commented EleanorM 3 years ago

The part about it not being about you really helped me process my last breakup. Thank you for sharing this.

4
Sloane99 commented Sloane99 3 years ago

My friends tried to tell me this about my ex, but I wouldn't listen. Wish I had paid attention to the red flags.

0
VesperH commented VesperH 3 years ago

I've definitely been guilty of this. It's like writing a story about someone and getting mad when they don't follow the script.

8
SilentVoyager commented SilentVoyager 3 years ago

Finding myself nodding along to every point. Especially about expectations turning into resentments.

4
Madison commented Madison 3 years ago

The concept of falling for potential rather than reality is eye-opening. Making me question some current relationships.

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Matt_2004 commented Matt_2004 3 years ago

Currently dealing with this in my marriage. It's hard to accept someone for who they are when you've built up this other version.

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Chris_1999 commented Chris_1999 3 years ago

Love isn't about potential, it's about reality. Took me way too long to learn that lesson.

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Noah-Steven commented Noah-Steven 3 years ago

This article perfectly describes my last three relationships. I'm sensing a pattern I need to address.

1
Wemple_Watch commented Wemple_Watch 3 years ago

Does anyone else find themselves doing this with multiple people in their life? I think it might be a pattern for me.

2
ReeseB commented ReeseB 3 years ago

The part about self-blame resonates deeply. Took me years to realize I couldn't love someone into changing.

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Layla_Sunshine commented Layla_Sunshine 3 years ago

Really appreciate how this article doesn't shame people for falling into this pattern. We've all been there.

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ValeriaK commented ValeriaK 3 years ago

Pretty sure my mom needs to read this. She's always trying to change my dad after 30 years of marriage.

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GravityDefier commented GravityDefier 3 years ago

Reading this made me realize how much time I've wasted on people who never intended to change.

5
SylvieX commented SylvieX 3 years ago

I actually met my spouse when they were a mess, but they wanted to change for themselves, not for me. That's the difference.

4
LexiS commented LexiS 4 years ago

The tricky part is balancing between accepting someone as they are and encouraging growth.

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GenevieveHawkins commented GenevieveHawkins 4 years ago

Just shared this with my friend who's always trying to fix people. Hope it helps her see things differently.

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RetroDimension commented RetroDimension 4 years ago

Wonder if anyone else feels attacked by that question about what happens if you stop putting in effort?

0
AriaAdams commented AriaAdams 4 years ago

This article feels like a wake-up call. Time to stop living in fantasy land about certain relationships.

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ShadowHunter commented ShadowHunter 4 years ago

Sometimes I think we fall in love with our own ability to see the good in people more than the actual person.

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DakotaPerry commented DakotaPerry 4 years ago

The part about expectations becoming resentments is so true. Been there, done that.

3
ElaraX commented ElaraX 4 years ago

I wonder if this applies to friendships too? I feel like I do this with some of my friends.

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SophiePearson commented SophiePearson 4 years ago

It's interesting how we can be so smart in other areas of life but so blind when it comes to love.

1
NeonPulse commented NeonPulse 4 years ago

The podcast suggestion sounds great. Anyone know which episode specifically talks about this?

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Ryan_Report commented Ryan_Report 4 years ago

This reminds me of how I used to make excuses for my ex's behavior. Always saying they'll change eventually.

1
Benjamin-Elliot commented Benjamin-Elliot 4 years ago

What about when someone shows genuine signs of wanting to change? That's different from just seeing potential, right?

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Mia_Giggles commented Mia_Giggles 4 years ago

Been thinking about this all day. It's scary how easy it is to fall into this pattern.

3
Thrush_Tales commented Thrush_Tales 4 years ago

I think social media makes this worse. We see carefully curated versions of people and fall for those instead.

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Tiana_Sunbeam commented Tiana_Sunbeam 4 years ago

The bit about effort being one-sided really hit me. Sometimes love isn't enough if it's not reciprocated.

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TimmyD commented TimmyD 4 years ago

There's definitely truth here but I think it's also important to not give up on people too quickly.

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Ophelia_Dawn commented Ophelia_Dawn 4 years ago

Wish I had read this years ago. Would have saved me so much time and heartache.

2
Halperin_Hour commented Halperin_Hour 4 years ago

The part about it not being your fault really helped me. Sometimes we need to hear that.

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Tapper_Talk commented Tapper_Talk 4 years ago

I find it fascinating how we can create entire relationships with versions of people that don't actually exist.

4
StrongerWithYou commented StrongerWithYou 4 years ago

This article feels like it's calling me out personally! Anyone else feeling personally attacked right now?

4
SerenityHoward commented SerenityHoward 4 years ago

The real challenge is distinguishing between someone's genuine potential and our idealized version of them.

3
Madison_Hope commented Madison_Hope 4 years ago

I needed to read this today. Currently dealing with exactly this situation and it's hard to let go.

0
AddisonFoster commented AddisonFoster 4 years ago

My therapist actually shared something similar with me. She called it 'loving the hologram' instead of the person.

2
MeantToBeX commented MeantToBeX 4 years ago

The red flags part is crucial. We often see them but choose to paint them a different color.

1
Jack commented Jack 4 years ago

Reading this made me realize I might be doing this right now in my relationship. Time for some serious reflection.

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Olive commented Olive 4 years ago

The article makes good points but feels a bit pessimistic. Sometimes seeing someone's potential is what helps them achieve it.

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Francesca-Jordan commented Francesca-Jordan 4 years ago

That bit about potential being dangerous is spot on. It's like gambling with your heart sometimes.

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AvaMarie_07 commented AvaMarie_07 4 years ago

I've been on both sides of this. It's exhausting trying to live up to someone's idealized version of you.

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SpousalSupporters commented SpousalSupporters 4 years ago

We're all works in progress though, aren't we? I think it's about finding someone who's actively working on themselves.

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ChloeB commented ChloeB 4 years ago

The part about blaming yourself really struck a chord. I spent so long thinking if I just loved harder things would change.

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CelesteBishop commented CelesteBishop 4 years ago

This reminds me of my last relationship where I spent years waiting for them to become who I thought they could be. Such a waste of time.

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Elaine-Cobb commented Elaine-Cobb 4 years ago

I actually disagree with some points here. Sometimes people need someone to believe in them before they can believe in themselves.

2
PixelKnight commented PixelKnight 4 years ago

That question about what happens if you stop putting in effort is so powerful. Made me really think about my past relationships.

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NovaM commented NovaM 4 years ago

The podcast recommendation sounds interesting. Has anyone actually listened to it? Would love to hear thoughts.

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Danica99 commented Danica99 4 years ago

Interesting perspective. I wonder though, isn't there value in encouraging someone to reach their full potential?

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HugAnd-Kisses_365 commented HugAnd-Kisses_365 4 years ago

I struggle with this because I believe in seeing the best in people. But there's definitely a fine line between optimism and denial.

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LillianRamirez commented LillianRamirez 4 years ago

The part about expectations turning into resentments really resonated with me. Been there, done that, got the emotional scars to prove it!

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Renee_Sky commented Renee_Sky 4 years ago

That's a fair point about people changing, but I think the key difference is whether they want to change for themselves vs someone trying to change them.

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Camryn-Bowman commented Camryn-Bowman 4 years ago

I understand the message but sometimes people DO change and grow. I met my partner when they were still figuring things out and now we've grown together beautifully.

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Vivian_Light commented Vivian_Light 4 years ago

This article really hits home. I've definitely been guilty of falling for someone's potential rather than who they actually were.

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