How To Know When It Is Time To Stop Trying To “Talk” To Someone

For the point at the beginning of a relationship when you are trying to decide if they are actually “busy” or just not interested.

There comes a point at every beginning of a potential relationship when you decide to move past the “talking” stage. It could be minutes, days, weeks, and sometimes even months. On the flip side of that, there can also be a time when you decide it is time to stop talking to someone.

Maybe they are busy and can’t put the effort needed into the talking stage, or they are too shy, or maybe they are no longer interested. Whatever the case may be, how can you decide when the time is right for you?

its time to quit trying to talk to someone whose not making effort
it's time to quit trying

Here are a few signs to look out for that you might be at the point to stop talking to someone.

1. Are you bending your “rules” for them?

Are you bending rules you have set for yourself such as sending a double text or past when you would normally go to bed? Some people don’t see an issue with firing off another text if the person doesn’t respond for several hours. Others find it looks like an act of desperation.

It doesn’t matter what the person you are talking to thinks about it. It matters what you think because it will affect how you feel when texting someone you like. If you don’t like sending several messages without a response, then don't. It can cause extra stress, which is not the feelings one should experience when talking with someone they like.

Additionally, the act of bending the boundaries you’ve set can create a false personality. This isn’t to say that when talking with someone you can’t stay up late because you’re in the middle of a conversation. It becomes an issue when you repeatedly compromise yourself. 

I like to get up early and in order to do so, I need to go to bed at a more reasonable time. However, if the guy I'm talking to likes to wake up and stay up later then sometimes I find myself doing the same thing.

I think it becomes more of an issue when I know he won't message me in the morning so I choose to compromise my sleep continually to spend an extra hour talking to him. Not that that person I'm talking to necessarily sees it this way, but why am I always making sure to keep the conversation going it can make it feel like he wants to stop responding but is only responding out of politeness. 

2. Are They Making Excuses?

When they do go hours without responding, what kind of excuses do they make? Is there always an apology? Do they never even comment on it? Too many of either option isn’t good. If they always have an excuse ready it might signal that they know what they are doing and they do it on purpose.

On the other hand—unless it is something established like a work meeting or a class—them taking several hours to respond is not any better. Life can get in the way of texting back, but a pattern could be a sign they are not as interested in you.

No one continually “meant to text you but I forgot” or “I typed out a message but forgot to hit send.” These could be subtle signals you aren’t on their mind as often as they are on yours.

It's always nice to hear I wasn't being ignored by the person I'm trying to spend time with and get to know but being forgotten isn't any better—even when he apologies for it. Every now and then sure, especially if there is something hectic going on in his life is understandable.

But several times a week makes me think maybe he's just not that into me. It could be that he's simply a bad texter, but if I can't meet with him in person to figure that out then all that leaves me with is questions of whether or not he likes me. And at the beginning of a relationship is not the point when you should be questioning that. 

3. Do you always start the conversation?

Not everyone is great at small talk or even conversing over text, but if the person is into you, they should show some interest. Do they make the effort to get to know you? Do they ask what TV shows and movies you like to watch? Or are you the one always asking the questions? It would be one thing if they come off as stale—one-word answers; short answers; lack of elaboration.

Some people would rather seem stale in text because inflection and sarcasm can be harder to detect. However, only ever following what conversation you have already started comes off as they aren’t concerned with getting to know you. And while they might ask you the question back it lacks creativity as well as a genuine interest in you.

Additionally, starting a conversation, a cursory “How was your day?” text, while nice, is also standard. If you always seem to be the one putting in the effort, consider how they respond. They might not be as adept at flirting over text and want you to take the lead. It could also be they are not as into you.

4. How many times have they canceled a date?

People get sick, called into work, and have emergencies come up. Sometimes dates get canceled, but when and how they cancel is important. Is it an hour before the date? Is it two days before the date? Both say something different but can mean the same thing.

An hour before the date can mean they wanted to go out, but something really did come up or they got too nervous. It could also mean they dreaded it and didn’t have the guts to cancel until right beforehand. Two days before can make it seem that something more important came up or something else they have or would rather do.

How they break it to you makes a difference. Is there a good reason? Is there any or too much of an apology? Too much of an apology can mean that they didn’t know how to say they were no longer interested. Then they use the apologies to alleviate guilt. The first time it happens it is okay to let it go. If the cancelations continue, as well as the excuses, then it might be time to remove yourself from the situation.

5. Have you gone on a date yet?

While going on a date can make or break the talking stage, it isn’t everything. You can have a couple of great dates with someone before realizing you want to stop talking with each other. When a person starts exhibiting signs that they are losing interest and you haven’t gone on a date yet, you have two options.

You can let the messaging continue, or you can attempt to initiate the date yourself. The longer two people talk without seeing each other the harder it can be to stay interested in each other. Without putting a face to the name, you can almost forget that the person on the other end exists.

They almost become a whole other person. First exists the person you message. The other represents a more physical manifestation of them—their appearance, voice, etc. The more the two separate the harder it can be to reconnect the two. If you have gone on a date that you thought went great, it could be they weren’t as sure as you.

A solution would be to ask them on a second date. First dates can be awkward and nerve-wracking. Sometimes it takes the second date to realize whether you are compatible. If their answer to you asking them out seems less than excited, it might be time to reassess. The most exciting they will feel about a first/second date someone will be is when you first ask them out.

6. Are you still talking with other people?      

This can be one of the most difficult areas to examine. You’re single until you and the other person have had that conversation. But spending more time looking/talking/flirting with people than you are the person you like could be a sign that you are not as interested in them.

Not that you need to be in love with them, but you should want to talk to them more than you have the desire to keep looking. This shows you seem to have one foot in the door. Whether it be due to you or them not seeming interested enough.

It can be hard when the conversation seems to grind to a halt, but in my experience, when I start spending as much time talking to other guys as I do the one I'm supposedly interested in that's when I start to pull away. Constantly starting the conversation or staying up late can feel tiring and when I hit that point is when I finally start thinking maybe he isn't for me after all.

In the end, everyone acts and reacts differently. But, a continued seeming disinterest in the relationship from either or both sides doesn’t hold the promise for a great relationship. Not one or even a couple of these thoughts are necessarily a cause to stop talking to someone.

These moments can also happen in singular moments along the way. People do occasionally have to cancel a date or forget to text back. Set your limits and stick to them. Whether it is one canceled date or three, whether it is staying up thirty minutes or two hours.

But if you feel like these and more similar thoughts are going through your head then it might be time to reevaluate your feelings. And there is always a chance that stopping talking to them could make them wake up. 

I'm just a girl out here trying to make a living doing what I love to do.

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