If They Really Wanted To Would They?

The idea of "if they wanted to they would" is not always true and fails to consider a lot of different things. If someone doesn't do something does it always mean that they didn't want to?
relationships · 2 min
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If they wanted to they would
Photo Source: Pexels

The answer from a lot of people is only ever yes or no, it can only be one of those two. It’s always if they wanted to they would, and if they didn’t then they never really wanted it. But, what if they wanted to and didn’t know how?

The thing is that it isn’t always just yes or no, and a lot of people tend to believe that it’s one or the other. Inherently the phrase “if they wanted to they would'' is not full proof, it’s oversimplified and a little ableist if you really think about it.

It doesn’t take into account the abilities & limitations of someone who may want to, but simply lack the tools to be able to. It assumes that most of the time that someone simply doesn’t want to, it doesn’t allow the idea of them being incapable of wanting to do something to exist.

Put in another way, think about the number of things that you have done that you didn’t want to & things you haven’t done but wanted to. It’s the same concept, the things you haven’t done are things you don’t know how to do or don’t have the ability to do. And it doesn’t mean you want those things any less, you simply don’t know how to have them.

Whenever I hear “if they wanted to they would" I always think about an old friend of mine who is a shining example of why that phrase isn’t always reality. This friend and I would talk about people he really liked, you could tell by the way he’d talk about them. Only for all of it to always be followed by the statement: even if I actually like someone I never know how to do anything about it.

It was never about whether or not he wanted them. He did. Simply he had no idea how to and that is no one’s fault. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be, it’s nothing to be sad about because if it was meant to be it would be.

What is meant for you will always be for you and will not pass you by (Bianca Sparacino beautifully explains below how nothing that is meant for you will get away).

 
 
 
 
 
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A post shared by Bianca Sparacino (@rainbowsalt)

At the end of the day whether or not they wanted to isn’t your business, the bottom line is they didn’t and that’s all you need to know. Even if they wanted to they may not know how to want it, and that isn't your fault nor does it make you any less worthy of love.

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Opinions and Perspectives

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JulietteBell commented JulietteBell 3 years ago

The complexity of human behavior can't be reduced to simple phrases like if they wanted to they would.

4
SyntheticSoul commented SyntheticSoul 3 years ago

This article has helped me be more understanding of both others and myself.

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Natalie_55 commented Natalie_55 3 years ago

While I understand the point, I think it's important to balance empathy with encouragement to grow.

1
Vanessa_Light commented Vanessa_Light 3 years ago

The message about self-worth at the end really ties everything together perfectly.

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HeartToHeart_777 commented HeartToHeart_777 3 years ago

This reminds me of times I've wanted to help others but didn't know how to effectively do so.

2
SamuelYoung commented SamuelYoung 3 years ago

It's fascinating how we often assume everyone has the same tools and abilities we do.

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UnityInLove commented UnityInLove 3 years ago

The article's emphasis on compassion and understanding is really important in today's judgmental world.

3
Michael commented Michael 3 years ago

I find myself caught between agreeing and worried this enables complacency.

0
Abigail_Rainbow commented Abigail_Rainbow 3 years ago

Sometimes knowing what you want is the easy part. Knowing how to get it is much harder.

5
Mira_Starburst commented Mira_Starburst 3 years ago

This made me think about how often I've misjudged others' actions or lack thereof.

0
LorelaiS commented LorelaiS 3 years ago

The distinction between capability and desire is crucial. We often conflate the two.

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Hibberd_Highlights commented Hibberd_Highlights 3 years ago

I appreciate how this challenges the oversimplified narratives we often tell ourselves about others.

3
StellaGomez commented StellaGomez 3 years ago

This really helps explain why some people seem stuck despite clearly wanting to move forward.

3
Rosen_Review commented Rosen_Review 3 years ago

The article brings up good points, but I think it's important to balance understanding with accountability.

1
Jemma_Star commented Jemma_Star 3 years ago

I can relate to wanting something but feeling completely lost about how to achieve it.

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Brielle_Rice commented Brielle_Rice 3 years ago

This perspective feels too permissive. At some point, we need to take responsibility for our actions or inactions.

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Abigail commented Abigail 3 years ago

The ending about worthiness is powerful. Our value isn't determined by others' ability or inability to show up for us.

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Freya_Rain commented Freya_Rain 4 years ago

It's interesting how we often assume everyone has the same toolkit for achieving their desires.

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Aurora_Carter commented Aurora_Carter 4 years ago

The article makes me think about how many opportunities I might have missed because I didn't know how to pursue them.

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AdalynH commented AdalynH 4 years ago

I'm still not fully convinced. There are resources available for almost everything nowadays.

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Woodruff_Worldview commented Woodruff_Worldview 4 years ago

This really challenges the tough love approach many people take. Sometimes support is more helpful than judgment.

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Brooke commented Brooke 4 years ago

The concept of not knowing how to want something is fascinating. It's deeper than just surface-level desire.

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ParallelDreams commented ParallelDreams 4 years ago

I never considered how this phrase could be harmful to people with different abilities or challenges.

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Ruby_Sparrow commented Ruby_Sparrow 4 years ago

The article's point about ability and limitations is spot on. We need to be more understanding of different circumstances.

7
Emerson-Reyes commented Emerson-Reyes 4 years ago

This reminds me of my own struggles with paralysis by analysis. Wanting something doesn't automatically give you the roadmap.

3
Hannity_Hour commented Hannity_Hour 4 years ago

Sometimes the hardest part isn't wanting something, it's figuring out the steps to get there.

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Lilith_Breeze commented Lilith_Breeze 4 years ago

I appreciate how this challenges our assumptions about other people's motivations and capabilities.

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Bianca_Stars commented Bianca_Stars 4 years ago

The distinction between wanting to and knowing how to is crucial. We often confuse the two.

2
Sienna_Morris commented Sienna_Morris 4 years ago

Not everything is black and white. Life exists in the grey areas, and this article captures that perfectly.

2
FloraX commented FloraX 4 years ago

This feels like it's making excuses for people who don't put in effort. At some point, you have to take action.

2
JamieT commented JamieT 4 years ago

The example about the friend really shows how someone can want something deeply but still struggle to act on it.

1
SweetNothingsWhispered commented SweetNothingsWhispered 4 years ago

I think there's truth in both perspectives. Sometimes it is about want, and sometimes it's about ability.

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JoshuaCruz commented JoshuaCruz 4 years ago

It's refreshing to see someone challenge this common phrase. We need more nuanced discussions about human behavior.

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LostInTime commented LostInTime 4 years ago

Reading this made me reflect on times I've judged others without considering their capabilities or circumstances.

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Celestia_Wonder commented Celestia_Wonder 4 years ago

The article makes valid points, but we shouldn't completely dismiss personal responsibility either.

3
FrankieT commented FrankieT 4 years ago

I've been on both sides of this. Sometimes I didn't know how, and sometimes I just didn't want to admit I didn't want to.

3
Tiffany-Taylor commented Tiffany-Taylor 4 years ago

Sometimes we need to acknowledge that people might need help or guidance rather than just assuming they don't care enough.

5
SierraH commented SierraH 4 years ago

The Bianca Sparacino reference really ties everything together beautifully. What's meant for us will find its way.

4
CyberShadow commented CyberShadow 4 years ago

There's a big difference between not knowing how to do something and not wanting to learn how to do it.

2
Justin commented Justin 4 years ago

I understand the sentiment, but I feel like this could be used as an excuse for people who just aren't putting in the effort.

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Heidi-Barrett commented Heidi-Barrett 4 years ago

The part about doing things we don't want to and not doing things we want to really made me think about my own life choices.

3
SkyWalker23 commented SkyWalker23 4 years ago

This article opened my eyes to how ableist that phrase can be. I never thought about it from that perspective before.

0
MelanieButler commented MelanieButler 4 years ago

What about people with anxiety or depression? Sometimes wanting something isn't enough to overcome mental health challenges.

2
Georgia_Ward commented Georgia_Ward 4 years ago

I disagree somewhat. While there might be obstacles, if someone truly wants something, they'll find a way to make it happen.

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LilyThompson commented LilyThompson 4 years ago

The example about the friend who didn't know how to pursue relationships really resonated with me. I've been in that position myself.

1
NeonDreamscape commented NeonDreamscape 4 years ago

I think the author makes a great point about how this phrase oversimplifies human behavior and emotions. We're much more complex than that.

3
JoyXO commented JoyXO 4 years ago

This article really hits home. I've always struggled with the 'if they wanted to they would' mindset. Sometimes it's not that simple.

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