Do You Love Them Or The Version Of Them You Made Up?
The question you should ask yourself is: can you see the red flags in them or are you choosing to ignore them?
If you are choosing to ignore all their red flags you may be idealizing who you think they have the potential to be. And that idealization leads you to fall for a version of them that doesn't exist.
Potential is a dangerous thing, it makes you believe they can be better than they are. It can be unfair to you and the other person having these expectations of them that they may never be able to reach. And slowly but surely those expectations you had of them will turn into future resentments.
You have to see them for how they’re showing up, what they’re showing you is exactly who they are. And it’s easy to overlook their red flags in the hope they’ll become the person you think they have the potential to be. But the thing is that day may never come and it’s heartbreaking when you finally accept that they will never become the person you think they can be.
The thing is the more & more effort and the love you put into the person won’t magically turn them into who you think they can be. They are who they are and will not become the person you think they have the potential to be if they don’t want to fix themselves.
And when this person you poured out so much love for doesn’t become that person you thought they could be it’s so easy to blame yourself. It’s easy to think you didn’t love them enough when in reality it was never about you. Their unwillingness to change isn’t your fault and has nothing to with who you are.
One of my favorite podcasts, In Your Feelings, dives into how dangerous it is when you fall for someone’s potential & ways to move on from how heartbreaking it can be.
One of the things mentioned in the podcast that’s important to think about when you’re stuck trying to let go and move on from someone you should ask yourself this question:
If you were to stop putting effort into this relationship, into this person what would happen?
And if your answer falls somewhere along the lines of the relationship would fall apart or cease to exist then maybe your relationship wasn't what you imagined it to be.
It's not your fault for wanting to believe in their goodness or in that they could be better than they are. But realize you deserve someone who proves they can be your person and be what you need. You deserve the kind of love that you always so easily give to everyone else without a second thought.
Opinions and Perspectives
This article just saved me from making the same mistake again. Thank you for sharing.
The hardest part is accepting that someone may never become who you know they could be.
Needed this reminder today. Sometimes we get so caught up in what could be that we miss what is.
Finally, an article that explains why I keep ending up heartbroken. Time to change my patterns.
This hits different when you're actually going through it. Currently trying to accept someone as they are.
Great article but it's tough to implement in real life when you care about someone.
After reading this, I'm questioning if I actually know the real versions of people in my life.
The concept of loving someone's potential versus their reality is profound. Really making me think.
This is why I started asking myself what someone brings to the table now, not what they could bring someday.
Reading this was like having someone finally put into words what I've been feeling.
Feeling called out but in a good way. Time to do some serious self-reflection.
This made me realize I need to work on accepting people as they are instead of trying to fix them.
It's scary how easy it is to fall into this trap, especially when you care about someone.
Anyone else feel like they need to apologize to their ex after reading this? I definitely projected a lot.
The part about it being heartbreaking when you finally accept reality really hit home.
This explains why I keep ending up disappointed in relationships. I'm dating potential, not people.
Just realized I might be doing this with my current partner. Not sure what to do with this information.
I've been on both sides of this and neither feels good. We need to learn to accept people as they are.
That question about stopping effort is brutal but necessary. Really puts things in perspective.
I do this with my kids too, always seeing their potential rather than accepting who they are right now.
Been in therapy working through this exact issue. It's hard to break the pattern once you recognize it.
What a powerful way to look at relationships. Really makes you think about your own patterns.
Anyone else feel like they need to reevaluate all their relationships after reading this?
I think society kind of encourages this with all those love stories about changing the bad boy.
The part about it not being about you really helped me process my last breakup. Thank you for sharing this.
My friends tried to tell me this about my ex, but I wouldn't listen. Wish I had paid attention to the red flags.
I've definitely been guilty of this. It's like writing a story about someone and getting mad when they don't follow the script.
Finding myself nodding along to every point. Especially about expectations turning into resentments.
The concept of falling for potential rather than reality is eye-opening. Making me question some current relationships.
Currently dealing with this in my marriage. It's hard to accept someone for who they are when you've built up this other version.
Love isn't about potential, it's about reality. Took me way too long to learn that lesson.
This article perfectly describes my last three relationships. I'm sensing a pattern I need to address.
Does anyone else find themselves doing this with multiple people in their life? I think it might be a pattern for me.
The part about self-blame resonates deeply. Took me years to realize I couldn't love someone into changing.
Really appreciate how this article doesn't shame people for falling into this pattern. We've all been there.
Pretty sure my mom needs to read this. She's always trying to change my dad after 30 years of marriage.
Reading this made me realize how much time I've wasted on people who never intended to change.
I actually met my spouse when they were a mess, but they wanted to change for themselves, not for me. That's the difference.
The tricky part is balancing between accepting someone as they are and encouraging growth.
Just shared this with my friend who's always trying to fix people. Hope it helps her see things differently.
Wonder if anyone else feels attacked by that question about what happens if you stop putting in effort?
This article feels like a wake-up call. Time to stop living in fantasy land about certain relationships.
Sometimes I think we fall in love with our own ability to see the good in people more than the actual person.
The part about expectations becoming resentments is so true. Been there, done that.
I wonder if this applies to friendships too? I feel like I do this with some of my friends.
It's interesting how we can be so smart in other areas of life but so blind when it comes to love.
The podcast suggestion sounds great. Anyone know which episode specifically talks about this?
This reminds me of how I used to make excuses for my ex's behavior. Always saying they'll change eventually.
What about when someone shows genuine signs of wanting to change? That's different from just seeing potential, right?
Been thinking about this all day. It's scary how easy it is to fall into this pattern.
I think social media makes this worse. We see carefully curated versions of people and fall for those instead.
The bit about effort being one-sided really hit me. Sometimes love isn't enough if it's not reciprocated.
There's definitely truth here but I think it's also important to not give up on people too quickly.
Wish I had read this years ago. Would have saved me so much time and heartache.
The part about it not being your fault really helped me. Sometimes we need to hear that.
I find it fascinating how we can create entire relationships with versions of people that don't actually exist.
This article feels like it's calling me out personally! Anyone else feeling personally attacked right now?
The real challenge is distinguishing between someone's genuine potential and our idealized version of them.
I needed to read this today. Currently dealing with exactly this situation and it's hard to let go.
My therapist actually shared something similar with me. She called it 'loving the hologram' instead of the person.
The red flags part is crucial. We often see them but choose to paint them a different color.
Reading this made me realize I might be doing this right now in my relationship. Time for some serious reflection.
The article makes good points but feels a bit pessimistic. Sometimes seeing someone's potential is what helps them achieve it.
That bit about potential being dangerous is spot on. It's like gambling with your heart sometimes.
I've been on both sides of this. It's exhausting trying to live up to someone's idealized version of you.
We're all works in progress though, aren't we? I think it's about finding someone who's actively working on themselves.
The part about blaming yourself really struck a chord. I spent so long thinking if I just loved harder things would change.
This reminds me of my last relationship where I spent years waiting for them to become who I thought they could be. Such a waste of time.
I actually disagree with some points here. Sometimes people need someone to believe in them before they can believe in themselves.
That question about what happens if you stop putting in effort is so powerful. Made me really think about my past relationships.
The podcast recommendation sounds interesting. Has anyone actually listened to it? Would love to hear thoughts.
Interesting perspective. I wonder though, isn't there value in encouraging someone to reach their full potential?
I struggle with this because I believe in seeing the best in people. But there's definitely a fine line between optimism and denial.
The part about expectations turning into resentments really resonated with me. Been there, done that, got the emotional scars to prove it!
That's a fair point about people changing, but I think the key difference is whether they want to change for themselves vs someone trying to change them.
I understand the message but sometimes people DO change and grow. I met my partner when they were still figuring things out and now we've grown together beautifully.
This article really hits home. I've definitely been guilty of falling for someone's potential rather than who they actually were.