You're No Longer Here And It Still Hurts Sometimes

I've accepted you're not coming back and we'll never go back to what we were, but some days it's harder to fathom than others.
stories · 3 min
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You're no longer here
Photo Source: Unsplash

Five months. 150 days. 3600 hours. 

It's been five months since you left and in reality, that's not a lot of time but sure feels like it. Being confined to the four walls of this house has slowed and sped up time all at once. It feels as it were a lifetime ago when you left, but at the same time, it feels as if it were yesterday all over again.

For the most part, I've learned to be okay with you gone but it still hurts sometimes. There are days I get stuck and start spiraling about every single thing we ever said to each other. I find myself wishing I had done things or acted differently because then maybe things wouldn't have broken down the way they did.

I find myself feeling awful that even now, still, I think about you and how I think I'm to blame for us falling apart. Some small part of me still thinks there could've been something I could've done to stop you from leaving.

missing your loved ones hurt
photo by hour_of_the_star on Instagram

 

In retrospect, I understand why you took everything and ran away as quickly as you did. I'm someone who can only feel at home in the midst of a hurricane that tears apart houses and drowns entire towns from existence. And I tend to forget not everyone, especially you don’t need the chaos of mass destruction to survive the insufferable mundanity of everyday life.

Some days I feel as if I lost you sooner than I wanted to, but I know you don't feel the same. Thinking about that is what hurts the most. I could always tell you were itching to find a way out. You let go so easily as if I meant nothing as if I were nothing.

It's heartbreaking that those days I find my grief pouring out of me so quickly I cannot contain any of it. I'm grieving over someone who I never mattered to and chose to take his secrets to the grave over believing my fears to be real.

I swear I'd stop thinking about you & let you go if I could. I'm not holding on because I want to it's just I don't know where to put down all the anger and pain I carry around from you.

And maybe I think I'll lose myself if I'm not angry at you, justifying who are or even grieving you. I'm uncertain of where who I was with you will go if I no longer let you live in the back of my mind.

What you did to me no longer matters it's in the past, it has passed, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt sometimes.

Now, all these months later all I can say is that it happened how it was supposed to. We were only ever destined to go up in flames and I knew that. Nothing was ever going to change that we were not meant to stay in each other's lives.

I've let go of the idea that things could've ended differently. If they could've ended differently then they would've, but they didn't. 

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Opinions and Perspectives

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NiaX commented NiaX 3 years ago

I find it powerful how the article moves from pain to acceptance without losing the authenticity of either emotion.

1
ValentinaJenkins commented ValentinaJenkins 3 years ago

The honesty about still thinking about someone who didn't care enough to stay is brutal but necessary.

0
SuperheroNerd commented SuperheroNerd 3 years ago

This piece really shows how healing isn't linear.

3
Twitch_Gamer_Elite commented Twitch_Gamer_Elite 3 years ago

Never related to something so much as 'I'm not holding on because I want to'.

6
Jonathan-Scott commented Jonathan-Scott 3 years ago

Sometimes the details don't matter as much as the feelings they leave behind.

3
Luxe_Hustle commented Luxe_Hustle 3 years ago

I wish the author had shared more about what actually happened.

0
Savannah_Rose commented Savannah_Rose 3 years ago

The way time becomes meaningless yet all-consuming after a breakup is so well captured here.

5
Brielle_Stardust commented Brielle_Stardust 3 years ago

Don't do it! Let sleeping dogs lie.

8
FlirtyForever commented FlirtyForever 3 years ago

Reading this makes me want to reach out to my ex but I know I shouldn't.

6
NatalieJ_98 commented NatalieJ_98 3 years ago

The ending feels both resigned and peaceful somehow.

8
Joyful_Journey_88 commented Joyful_Journey_88 3 years ago

That's what makes breakups so complicated. Two people can experience the same relationship completely differently.

5
Wardrobe-Essentials commented Wardrobe-Essentials 3 years ago

Wonder if the person who left would see things differently.

0
OrganicFuel commented OrganicFuel 3 years ago

The mention of insufferable mundanity of everyday life really struck a chord with me.

8
LimitlessGrowth commented LimitlessGrowth 3 years ago

I appreciate how the author doesn't villainize the person who left.

7
MarvelVsDC_Stan commented MarvelVsDC_Stan 3 years ago

The self-awareness in this piece is both beautiful and heartbreaking.

4
DatingAdventures commented DatingAdventures 3 years ago

Not dramatic at all when you're living through it. Some people really do thrive in chaos.

7
Oscar_Watcher2024 commented Oscar_Watcher2024 3 years ago

I understand the hurricane metaphor but I think it's a bit dramatic.

8
Hersh_Headlines commented Hersh_Headlines 3 years ago

This piece captures that weird space between acceptance and holding on perfectly.

8
RelationshipGoals commented RelationshipGoals 3 years ago

The imagery of drowning towns really drives home the destructive nature of some relationships.

4
ThemeSong_Addict_88 commented ThemeSong_Addict_88 4 years ago

I actually find comfort in knowing others go through these same emotions.

5
SlowLiving_Advocate_2024 commented SlowLiving_Advocate_2024 4 years ago

The contrast between wanting to let go and not knowing how is so well expressed.

7
GothamKnightFan commented GothamKnightFan 4 years ago

Anyone else feel like they could've written this themselves?

4
SuperheroMovieAddict_55 commented SuperheroMovieAddict_55 4 years ago

I went through something similar but it took me much longer than five months to reach this level of clarity.

7
PartnersInCrime commented PartnersInCrime 4 years ago

The writing style really pulls you into those raw emotions.

1
SeraphinaJ commented SeraphinaJ 4 years ago

That's a shame though. Even painful relationships teach us something about ourselves.

6
FuturisticSoul commented FuturisticSoul 4 years ago

This reminds me why I'm scared to get into relationships sometimes.

1
Natalie_55 commented Natalie_55 4 years ago

The line about taking secrets to the grave instead of addressing fears really highlights the communication issues.

0
Glam_Closet commented Glam_Closet 4 years ago

I love how this captures the contradiction of knowing it's over but still hurting.

0
Freya-Lane commented Freya-Lane 4 years ago

The photo really adds to the melancholic tone of the piece.

6
HorrorMovieBuff commented HorrorMovieBuff 4 years ago

No I think that's the point. Acceptance isn't always clean and perfect.

7
Addison99 commented Addison99 4 years ago

The acceptance at the end feels forced to me. Like they're trying to convince themselves.

1
HorizonWalker commented HorizonWalker 4 years ago

Something about the line 'you let go so easily as if I meant nothing' just shattered me.

8
ShowtimeAddict commented ShowtimeAddict 4 years ago

My heart aches reading this because I'm currently going through something similar.

2
HarmonyM commented HarmonyM 4 years ago

The mathematical breakdown of time at the beginning really emphasizes how fresh the wound still is.

6
DarkNebula commented DarkNebula 4 years ago

I find it interesting how the author acknowledges they knew it would end in flames but stayed anyway.

1
Mindful-Living commented Mindful-Living 4 years ago

Can we talk about how beautifully written that hurricane metaphor is? Really captures the essence of incompatibility.

0
LaylaCollins commented LaylaCollins 4 years ago

The way they describe grief pouring out uncontrollably some days is so accurate it hurts.

3
Anya_Daydream commented Anya_Daydream 4 years ago

I don't think it's romanticizing. It's just being honest about the messy reality of healing.

5
SynthWaveX commented SynthWaveX 4 years ago

Sometimes I wonder if we romanticize the pain of breakups too much through writing like this.

7
HerbalHealing commented HerbalHealing 4 years ago

The part about losing yourself if you let go of the anger really made me think about my own healing process.

8
FictionalWorldExplorer_777 commented FictionalWorldExplorer_777 4 years ago

What really resonates with me is how we can understand why someone left but still feel hurt by their leaving.

5
Chic_Diva commented Chic_Diva 4 years ago

The author captures that strange limbo between knowing it's over and still feeling stuck perfectly.

2
RoseWaters commented RoseWaters 4 years ago

That's quite insensitive. Everyone processes loss differently and there's no timeline for healing.

2
NetflixTriviaChampion_77 commented NetflixTriviaChampion_77 4 years ago

I actually think five months is a long time to still be this wrapped up in someone who chose to leave.

0
JulietteBell commented JulietteBell 4 years ago

This feels like reading pages from my own journal. The way time warps after someone leaves is so strange.

3
Wardrobe_Luxe commented Wardrobe_Luxe 4 years ago

The line about being someone who feels at home in hurricanes really struck me. Sometimes we're just fundamentally different from the people we love.

5
Keira_Lantern commented Keira_Lantern 4 years ago

Interesting perspective about identity being tied to grief. Never thought about it that way before.

5
FrostBite99 commented FrostBite99 4 years ago

I understand the sentiment but I think holding onto anger only hurts ourselves in the long run.

0
Kristof_Chronicles commented Kristof_Chronicles 4 years ago

Anyone else catch themselves nodding along to the part about not knowing where to put all the anger and pain? That's exactly how I felt.

2
FallingFor_You_99 commented FallingFor_You_99 4 years ago

The writing is beautiful but I think the author needs to be kinder to themselves. Five months is still very fresh for processing a breakup.

3
Klein_Keynotes commented Klein_Keynotes 4 years ago

The hurricane metaphor is incredibly powerful. It perfectly captures how some people thrive in chaos while others need calm.

8
Elaine_ShootingStar commented Elaine_ShootingStar 4 years ago

I disagree with the self-blame in the article. Sometimes relationships just don't work out and that's nobody's fault.

1
FadingReality commented FadingReality 4 years ago

The part about time feeling both slow and fast after a breakup is so accurate. I experienced the same thing when my relationship ended last year.

8
NicoleFisher commented NicoleFisher 4 years ago

This article really hits home. The raw honesty about grief and letting go is something I think many of us can relate to.

1

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