Parenting Your Kids While Dealing With Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse will leave you with a cacophony of emotional issues:
- An inability to establish trust
- Trouble forming new relationships
- Difficulty regulating your own emotions
- Severe anxiety and depression
- An overwhelming feeling of complete worthlessness
- Sleep disorders
- And a million other tiny little things that seemed completely normal to you
Until you said it out loud in front of someone and they give you that look that says, "Oh, honey, who hurt you"?
Five years ago, I left an emotionally abusive marriage of nine years with my two children. I left after my daughter (who was 6 at the time) started having full-on anxiety attacks on a daily basis. Once I realized the kind of damage I was inflicting on my kids, I had to take the steps to make sure that I kept my promise to them to always protect them, even from my own choices.
Getting to a healthy place after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is an uphill battle for everyone involved, but there is nothing quite like the feeling of hopelessness that comes from watching your child go through the same thing you are going through.
Fortunately, there is hope. You are not alone. There are people who have been through what you are going through and have come out with happy, well-adjusted children who understand how much you love them because you have weathered a storm together.
Here are a few things, that can help you and your kids get to a healthy place overcoming emotional abuse faster:
1. Take your kids to bed early and get complete rest
I'm not saying stay in bed and wallow, you have kids, you can't do that. What I am saying is, set a bedtime. I noticed my kids could handle their emotions about what was going on between me and their dad better on days when they had a full night's sleep.
So every night at 7:30 we started their bedtime routine. I didn't have the emotional energy to wrestle them to sleep or read to them, so I laid down next to them and let the dulcet tones of Bob Ross lull my kids to sleep. After a couple of weeks of watching their moods improve, I realized it probably worked the same for adults.
I put myself on a strict 10:30 bedtime and got my eight hours a night. I was still an emotional wreck, but with a full night's sleep, I wasn't crying in a drive thru because they were out of the ranch.
2. Keep an open dialogue with your kids
This isn't to say you tell your child everything that is going on. You still shelter them and protect them the way a parent should. What I am saying is you give them a safe space to talk about their feelings. Their feelings are valid, even if they hurt your feelings. You have to let them know that their feelings are being heard and that they can always come to you when they are upset.
If it's too hard for you to handle while you are going through your healing, then therapy, or a trusted friend or family member could be a good tool to give them the safe space to talk about what they are experiencing. But always make sure they have a safe space to talk about what they are going through. This goes for you, too.
Make sure you have a safe space to talk about what you are going through, that isn't your children. They don't need to hear about the hell you are going through or how their other parent is trash. Words are powerful, talking about what you are going through takes away its power, and gives the power to you. Talking is healing. Just make sure it is channeled to a safe space.
3. Cut yourself and your kids some slack
Healing isn't a linear journey. The attitude of "just do a little better each day" isn't always helpful. Yes, you should always try to do better, but you are going to have days where you are full of piss and vinegar and can take on the world, and then you are going to have days where the world feels like its ending, or you are so angry that you lash out and yell over stepping on a lego (even though you told them to pick it up eight thousand times).
You are going to have days where you aren't your best, where you aren't better than the day before, and that is okay. Respect your healing process and give yourself a break. You are healing, and you can do this tomorrow. Some days you have to feel it so that you can finally let it go. Some days you have to cry in the closet because it's the only place you can't be heard, some days you have to beat the crap out of your punching bag just to stop the anger. Some days you just have to feel it. And on those days, cut yourself some slack.
Remember; a healthy, happy parent raises healthy, happy kids. You suffered a trauma together, but that doesn't have to define your lives. It's not the end of the story.
Opinions and Perspectives
The healing process is difficult but seeing my kids thrive makes it worthwhile.
I'm learning to trust my parenting instincts again after years of doubt.
Building new memories with my kids has been the most healing part of this journey.
It's relieving to know that emotional setbacks are normal in the healing process.
The emphasis on protecting kids while still being honest is exactly what I needed to read.
It's encouraging to read about others who have made it through similar situations.
Finding the right support system has been crucial for both me and my kids.
The article really captures how difficult it is to parent while healing yourself.
It's been hard rebuilding our lives, but seeing my kids smile again makes it worth it.
Sometimes I worry about the long-term effects on my kids, but articles like this give me hope.
The suggestion about having a strict bedtime has transformed our evenings.
I still struggle with anxiety but seeing my kids heal gives me strength.
Making new traditions has helped us move forward and create positive memories.
We've started having regular family meetings to check in on everyone's feelings.
The article's emphasis on self-care alongside parenting is so important.
Learning to co-parent with healthy boundaries has been one of my biggest challenges.
It's amazing how children can bounce back when given the right support and environment.
Music therapy has been incredibly helpful for my children's emotional expression.
I appreciate how the article acknowledges that some days are just about survival.
The mention of sleep disorders hit home. My daughter still struggles with nightmares.
We started a gratitude journal as a family. It helps focus on the positive changes we've made.
Sometimes I catch myself repeating toxic patterns and have to consciously break them.
My kids and I started doing yoga together. It helps us stay grounded when emotions run high.
It's challenging to rebuild trust with my children after they witnessed so much dysfunction.
The part about talking being healing really resonates. Finding the right listener makes all the difference.
I'm grateful for articles like this that remind us we're not alone in this journey.
Setting boundaries has been crucial for our healing. It was hard at first but worth it.
Anyone else notice their kids becoming more resilient through this process? It's bittersweet to watch.
Regular exercise has been crucial in managing my anxiety and showing my kids healthy coping mechanisms.
The hardest part for me is watching my kids struggle with their emotions while I'm barely handling my own.
My daughter's therapist suggested art therapy and it's been amazing for helping her express her feelings.
Reading this makes me realize how far we've come. Those first few months felt impossible.
I relate to the feeling of complete worthlessness mentioned in the article. It's a daily battle to overcome that.
Building new memories with my kids has been healing for all of us. We're creating our new normal together.
The sleep improvement suggestion helped us tremendously. My kids are like different people with proper rest.
I'm still learning to trust my instincts as a parent after years of having them questioned.
The article's point about having your own safe space to talk is crucial. My therapist has been invaluable.
Finding a support group made such a difference for me. It helps to talk to others who understand.
It took me years to recognize the abuse. I kept making excuses until I saw how it was affecting my son.
The bedtime routine suggestion really works. We've been doing it for months and the difference is remarkable.
I worry about how this will affect my children's future relationships. Anyone else dealing with this concern?
Watching my kids heal and grow stronger has been the most rewarding part of this journey.
Thank you for mentioning that healing isn't linear. I needed to hear that today.
The punching bag suggestion is brilliant. I bought one for my teenager and it's been incredibly helpful.
I struggled with guilt for so long, but now I see that leaving was the bravest thing I could do for my children.
What about single parenting? I find myself exhausted trying to be both mom and dad.
My kids actually sleep better now than they did during the relationship. The tension in the house was affecting them more than I realized.
I've found that maintaining a strict routine really helps stabilize everyone's emotions, just like the article suggests.
Sometimes I feel like I'll never fully heal from this. Reading others' experiences helps me feel less alone.
The article makes a great point about not trash-talking the other parent. It's so hard but so important for the kids.
Family therapy was a game-changer for us. The kids actually looked forward to going after a few sessions.
Has anyone tried family therapy? I'm considering it but worried it might be too overwhelming for my kids.
I totally get the crying in the drive-thru part. Those unexpected emotional moments still catch me off guard sometimes.
The anxiety attacks in children really hit home. My son started having similar issues and that was my wake-up call.
Something that helped me was creating new family traditions with just me and my kids. It gave us something positive to focus on.
Does anyone else find it hard to maintain boundaries with their ex while co-parenting? I'm really struggling with this.
I wish I'd read this years ago. I stayed too long thinking I was protecting my kids, when really I was exposing them to more trauma.
The permission to have bad days is so important. I often feel guilty when I'm not at my best, but healing isn't linear.
In response to the dialogue question, I found that age-appropriate conversations focusing on feelings rather than specific situations helped my kids.
My heart breaks reading this. Currently going through something similar and watching my kids process it all is the hardest part.
I struggle with the open dialogue part. How do you talk to young kids about these situations without burdening them?
The part about Bob Ross helping kids sleep is brilliant! I'm definitely trying this with my little ones.
I appreciate how the article emphasizes the importance of sleep. It's something we often overlook when dealing with trauma.
This resonates so deeply with me. I left my emotionally abusive relationship 2 years ago and the healing journey with my kids has been challenging but worth it.