Parenting Your Kids While Dealing With Emotional Abuse

3 tips for healthy healing, when staying together for the kids, did more damage than divorce
relationships · 4 min
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Emotional abuse will leave you with a cacophony of emotional issues:

  • An inability to establish trust
  • Trouble forming new relationships
  • Difficulty regulating your own emotions
  • Severe anxiety and depression
  • An overwhelming feeling of complete worthlessness
  • Sleep disorders
  • And a million other tiny little things that seemed completely normal to you

Until you said it out loud in front of someone and they give you that look that says, "Oh, honey, who hurt you"? 

Five years ago, I left an emotionally abusive marriage of nine years with my two children. I left after my daughter (who was 6 at the time) started having full-on anxiety attacks on a daily basis. Once I realized the kind of damage I was inflicting on my kids, I had to take the steps to make sure that I kept my promise to them to always protect them, even from my own choices. 

Getting to a healthy place after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is an uphill battle for everyone involved, but there is nothing quite like the feeling of hopelessness that comes from watching your child go through the same thing you are going through.

Fortunately, there is hope. You are not alone. There are people who have been through what you are going through and have come out with happy, well-adjusted children who understand how much you love them because you have weathered a storm together.

Here are a few things, that can help you and your kids get to a healthy place overcoming emotional abuse faster:

1. Take your kids to bed early and get complete rest

I'm not saying stay in bed and wallow, you have kids, you can't do that. What I am saying is, set a bedtime. I noticed my kids could handle their emotions about what was going on between me and their dad better on days when they had a full night's sleep.

So every night at 7:30 we started their bedtime routine. I didn't have the emotional energy to wrestle them to sleep or read to them, so I laid down next to them and let the dulcet tones of Bob Ross lull my kids to sleep. After a couple of weeks of watching their moods improve, I realized it probably worked the same for adults.

I put myself on a strict 10:30 bedtime and got my eight hours a night. I was still an emotional wreck, but with a full night's sleep, I wasn't crying in a drive thru because they were out of the ranch. 

2. Keep an open dialogue with your kids

This isn't to say you tell your child everything that is going on. You still shelter them and protect them the way a parent should. What I am saying is you give them a safe space to talk about their feelings. Their feelings are valid, even if they hurt your feelings. You have to let them know that their feelings are being heard and that they can always come to you when they are upset.

If it's too hard for you to handle while you are going through your healing, then therapy, or a trusted friend or family member could be a good tool to give them the safe space to talk about what they are experiencing. But always make sure they have a safe space to talk about what they are going through. This goes for you, too.

Make sure you have a safe space to talk about what you are going through, that isn't your children. They don't need to hear about the hell you are going through or how their other parent is trash. Words are powerful, talking about what you are going through takes away its power, and gives the power to you. Talking is healing. Just make sure it is channeled to a safe space. 

3. Cut yourself and your kids some slack

Healing isn't a linear journey. The attitude of "just do a little better each day" isn't always helpful. Yes, you should always try to do better, but you are going to have days where you are full of piss and vinegar and can take on the world, and then you are going to have days where the world feels like its ending, or you are so angry that you lash out and yell over stepping on a lego (even though you told them to pick it up eight thousand times).

You are going to have days where you aren't your best, where you aren't better than the day before, and that is okay. Respect your healing process and give yourself a break. You are healing, and you can do this tomorrow. Some days you have to feel it so that you can finally let it go. Some days you have to cry in the closet because it's the only place you can't be heard, some days you have to beat the crap out of your punching bag just to stop the anger. Some days you just have to feel it. And on those days, cut yourself some slack. 

Remember; a healthy, happy parent raises healthy, happy kids. You suffered a trauma together, but that doesn't have to define your lives. It's not the end of the story. 

kids overcoming emotional abuse
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Opinions and Perspectives

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VerityJ commented VerityJ 3 years ago

Finding joy in small moments has become our new focus.

1
Gianna99 commented Gianna99 3 years ago

The healing process is difficult but seeing my kids thrive makes it worthwhile.

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MariaS commented MariaS 3 years ago

Taking it one day at a time has been our most effective strategy.

5
PaigeH commented PaigeH 3 years ago

It's comforting to know others understand this unique parenting challenge.

5
JuneX commented JuneX 3 years ago

The balance between protecting and empowering our kids is so delicate.

2
CyberOutlaw commented CyberOutlaw 3 years ago

We've found that regular family check-ins help us stay connected.

1
InfiniteDreams commented InfiniteDreams 3 years ago

I'm learning to trust my parenting instincts again after years of doubt.

2
Blake_1986 commented Blake_1986 3 years ago

The article perfectly captures the complexity of parenting through trauma.

8
TrevorTravels commented TrevorTravels 3 years ago

Building new memories with my kids has been the most healing part of this journey.

8
Alicia_Fantasy commented Alicia_Fantasy 3 years ago

The suggestions about safe spaces for expression are really practical.

1
XantheM commented XantheM 3 years ago

Creating a peaceful home environment has been essential for our recovery.

5
HyperSpeedNomad commented HyperSpeedNomad 3 years ago

It's relieving to know that emotional setbacks are normal in the healing process.

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Isikoff_Insights commented Isikoff_Insights 3 years ago

The importance of self-care while parenting cannot be overstated.

7
SamanthaB_77 commented SamanthaB_77 3 years ago

Reading this reminds me how far we've come in our healing journey.

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Eli commented Eli 3 years ago

I've found that consistent routines help my kids feel secure.

3
Marina-Kirk commented Marina-Kirk 3 years ago

The emphasis on protecting kids while still being honest is exactly what I needed to read.

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HarleyX commented HarleyX 3 years ago

It's encouraging to read about others who have made it through similar situations.

2
Rubin_Report commented Rubin_Report 3 years ago

We started family game nights to rebuild our connection and trust.

1
DreamHackX commented DreamHackX 3 years ago

The validation in this article about having bad days is so important.

6
LostAstronaut commented LostAstronaut 3 years ago

Finding the right support system has been crucial for both me and my kids.

5
RobbyD commented RobbyD 3 years ago

I've learned to celebrate small victories in our healing journey.

6
VivianJ commented VivianJ 3 years ago

The article really captures how difficult it is to parent while healing yourself.

2
HologramWave commented HologramWave 3 years ago

It's been hard rebuilding our lives, but seeing my kids smile again makes it worth it.

2
DevonT commented DevonT 3 years ago

We found that outdoor activities help all of us process our emotions better.

3
Audrey commented Audrey 3 years ago

Sometimes I worry about the long-term effects on my kids, but articles like this give me hope.

4
ThomasSullivan commented ThomasSullivan 4 years ago

The suggestion about having a strict bedtime has transformed our evenings.

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WarpedRealities commented WarpedRealities 4 years ago

I still struggle with anxiety but seeing my kids heal gives me strength.

1
Sarah_87 commented Sarah_87 4 years ago

Making new traditions has helped us move forward and create positive memories.

3
Ivy_Jenkins commented Ivy_Jenkins 4 years ago

We've started having regular family meetings to check in on everyone's feelings.

7
Jade-Gallagher commented Jade-Gallagher 4 years ago

The article's emphasis on self-care alongside parenting is so important.

2
PaisleyMae commented PaisleyMae 4 years ago

Learning to co-parent with healthy boundaries has been one of my biggest challenges.

1
Bonnie_Twinkle commented Bonnie_Twinkle 4 years ago

It's amazing how children can bounce back when given the right support and environment.

5
Ayla_Rising commented Ayla_Rising 4 years ago

Music therapy has been incredibly helpful for my children's emotional expression.

5
LyraJ commented LyraJ 4 years ago

I appreciate how the article acknowledges that some days are just about survival.

6
McNary_Musings commented McNary_Musings 4 years ago

The mention of sleep disorders hit home. My daughter still struggles with nightmares.

6
ZinniaJ commented ZinniaJ 4 years ago

We started a gratitude journal as a family. It helps focus on the positive changes we've made.

2
RoxyJ commented RoxyJ 4 years ago

Sometimes I catch myself repeating toxic patterns and have to consciously break them.

2
Faith99 commented Faith99 4 years ago

The strength mentioned in this article gives me hope for our future.

3
TaliaJ commented TaliaJ 4 years ago

My kids and I started doing yoga together. It helps us stay grounded when emotions run high.

4
HeartstringsAttached commented HeartstringsAttached 4 years ago

It's challenging to rebuild trust with my children after they witnessed so much dysfunction.

6
Sienna_Rose commented Sienna_Rose 4 years ago

The part about talking being healing really resonates. Finding the right listener makes all the difference.

2
Adalian_Article commented Adalian_Article 4 years ago

I'm grateful for articles like this that remind us we're not alone in this journey.

2
Noelle_Miracle commented Noelle_Miracle 4 years ago

Setting boundaries has been crucial for our healing. It was hard at first but worth it.

3
Luna_Morris commented Luna_Morris 4 years ago

Anyone else notice their kids becoming more resilient through this process? It's bittersweet to watch.

7
Anna-Kate commented Anna-Kate 4 years ago

Regular exercise has been crucial in managing my anxiety and showing my kids healthy coping mechanisms.

2
Lucy_Hall commented Lucy_Hall 4 years ago

I found journaling helped both me and my kids process our emotions better.

5
Stella_Shines commented Stella_Shines 4 years ago

The hardest part for me is watching my kids struggle with their emotions while I'm barely handling my own.

7
Kinsley99 commented Kinsley99 4 years ago

My daughter's therapist suggested art therapy and it's been amazing for helping her express her feelings.

1
RyleeG commented RyleeG 4 years ago

Reading this makes me realize how far we've come. Those first few months felt impossible.

3
Olbermann_Observations commented Olbermann_Observations 4 years ago

I relate to the feeling of complete worthlessness mentioned in the article. It's a daily battle to overcome that.

8
Ava-Davis commented Ava-Davis 4 years ago

Building new memories with my kids has been healing for all of us. We're creating our new normal together.

6
UsAgainst_TheWorld_111 commented UsAgainst_TheWorld_111 4 years ago

The sleep improvement suggestion helped us tremendously. My kids are like different people with proper rest.

2
Krugman_Column commented Krugman_Column 4 years ago

I'm still learning to trust my instincts as a parent after years of having them questioned.

7
Andreeva_Analysis commented Andreeva_Analysis 4 years ago

The article's point about having your own safe space to talk is crucial. My therapist has been invaluable.

0
Martha_Breezy commented Martha_Breezy 4 years ago

Finding a support group made such a difference for me. It helps to talk to others who understand.

6
MysticHacker commented MysticHacker 4 years ago

It took me years to recognize the abuse. I kept making excuses until I saw how it was affecting my son.

2
CodeBreak3r commented CodeBreak3r 4 years ago

The bedtime routine suggestion really works. We've been doing it for months and the difference is remarkable.

4
Masters_Memo commented Masters_Memo 4 years ago

I worry about how this will affect my children's future relationships. Anyone else dealing with this concern?

3
Cooper_Correspondent commented Cooper_Correspondent 4 years ago

Watching my kids heal and grow stronger has been the most rewarding part of this journey.

4
TimeSeekerX commented TimeSeekerX 4 years ago

Thank you for mentioning that healing isn't linear. I needed to hear that today.

0
Mitchell_Media commented Mitchell_Media 4 years ago

The punching bag suggestion is brilliant. I bought one for my teenager and it's been incredibly helpful.

5
Camila_Hughes commented Camila_Hughes 4 years ago

I struggled with guilt for so long, but now I see that leaving was the bravest thing I could do for my children.

3
MarriedLifeGoals commented MarriedLifeGoals 4 years ago

What about single parenting? I find myself exhausted trying to be both mom and dad.

6
MyHeartIsTaken commented MyHeartIsTaken 4 years ago

My kids actually sleep better now than they did during the relationship. The tension in the house was affecting them more than I realized.

4
Lexi-Ayers commented Lexi-Ayers 4 years ago

I've found that maintaining a strict routine really helps stabilize everyone's emotions, just like the article suggests.

8
ColeLaughs commented ColeLaughs 4 years ago

Sometimes I feel like I'll never fully heal from this. Reading others' experiences helps me feel less alone.

2
MadelineCreates commented MadelineCreates 4 years ago

The article makes a great point about not trash-talking the other parent. It's so hard but so important for the kids.

8
Charlotte commented Charlotte 4 years ago

Family therapy was a game-changer for us. The kids actually looked forward to going after a few sessions.

3
SadieReed commented SadieReed 4 years ago

Has anyone tried family therapy? I'm considering it but worried it might be too overwhelming for my kids.

6
Wallace_Watch commented Wallace_Watch 4 years ago

I totally get the crying in the drive-thru part. Those unexpected emotional moments still catch me off guard sometimes.

0
Gloria_Twilight commented Gloria_Twilight 4 years ago

The anxiety attacks in children really hit home. My son started having similar issues and that was my wake-up call.

8
Bruni_Blog commented Bruni_Blog 4 years ago

Something that helped me was creating new family traditions with just me and my kids. It gave us something positive to focus on.

4
Amelia commented Amelia 4 years ago

Does anyone else find it hard to maintain boundaries with their ex while co-parenting? I'm really struggling with this.

4
Derek_1997 commented Derek_1997 4 years ago

I wish I'd read this years ago. I stayed too long thinking I was protecting my kids, when really I was exposing them to more trauma.

2
ShadowMasterX commented ShadowMasterX 4 years ago

The permission to have bad days is so important. I often feel guilty when I'm not at my best, but healing isn't linear.

0
TrueLoveVibes commented TrueLoveVibes 4 years ago

In response to the dialogue question, I found that age-appropriate conversations focusing on feelings rather than specific situations helped my kids.

2
MoonlitMystery commented MoonlitMystery 4 years ago

My heart breaks reading this. Currently going through something similar and watching my kids process it all is the hardest part.

6
SophieMorgan commented SophieMorgan 4 years ago

I struggle with the open dialogue part. How do you talk to young kids about these situations without burdening them?

7
Amina99 commented Amina99 4 years ago

The part about Bob Ross helping kids sleep is brilliant! I'm definitely trying this with my little ones.

4
SawyerX commented SawyerX 4 years ago

I appreciate how the article emphasizes the importance of sleep. It's something we often overlook when dealing with trauma.

4
NadiaH commented NadiaH 4 years ago

This resonates so deeply with me. I left my emotionally abusive relationship 2 years ago and the healing journey with my kids has been challenging but worth it.

0

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