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According to Brene Brown, a leading specialist in shame and vulnerability, any negative emotion needs 3 things to survive:
I had been living a pretty care-free life until 21 when I had my first bout of inexplicable anxiety. I was a sophomore then — many years ago. The feeling was so overwhelming that I had to leave the classroom and go out for a breather.
Since then it would come and go sporadically — always hitting suddenly and without warning. The hardest part was not knowing what caused it in the first place. There was nothing I could see in my outer circumstances that would substantiate sudden surges of panic.
I tried all sorts of things to get rid of it. I talked to specialists, meditated, exercised, memorized Bible verses, read books on psychology, philosophy, listened to sermons, served others. All of this was helpful — until the next anxiety attack.
After struggling with it for almost 30 years, I finally found something that actually works. As of today, I have not had anxiety for about a year and a half — despite many stressful circumstances I have been through.
I met a group of guys — mostly members of AA (Alcoholic Anonymous) — who were doing a simple 10-minute practice. They claimed that it helped them to significantly relieve the 4 basic negative feelings in a human being— selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.
Fear? Really? I was more than skeptical. It sounded too easy. Just doing a simple practice every day?
Something in me cringed: “Are you telling me that after 30 years of immersing myself in philosophy, religion, and psychology, with Dostoyevsky, Dante, Chesterton, C.S. Lewis, Dale Carnegie, Stephen Covey, and hundreds of other excellent thinkers under my belt I would find a solution in a few simple steps?”
But that’s exactly what happened. Reducing anxiety has NOTHING to do with thinking. I cannot “think myself out of any problem.” The solution is deeply spiritual, just as the WOUND.
Most wounds sustained in childhood cry out: “I can’t trust anybody anymore!” Whatever happened to us back then, trust is the first thing that goes. “It’s all up to me now” — this is the message of the WOUND.
My father was an alcoholic and my mom left when I was 18. At 21, my festering wound burst open with this uncontrollable anxiety: “I am on my own now.” I desperately needed to convince myself that I could control things in my life.
When I was successful in pumping up my belief that I was God, wielding limitless power in my little universe, I felt great. When something threatened my faith in my ability to control things, I panicked.
But it wasn’t “understanding” that reversed this pattern. When in the grips of anxiety, I don’t understand a thing.
The best solution for anxiety, just like the wound, is non-rational. That is, I didn’t think myself into believing that I am alone in the world. It was thrust upon me by my circumstances. Consequently, my thinking is the result of a certain way of living. As Richard Rohr says:
We do not think ourselves into new ways of living, we live ourselves into new ways of thinking.
Just as the wound comes in a non-rational way — through a certain way of living— recovery also comes through a certain way of living. Slowly, by “doing things” in a new way, the old mental pattern is replaced with a new one.
The old pattern says:
You have to be God in your little universe. If you are not — start panicking.
It is incredibly hard to realize that this old mental pattern is non-rational. I don’t actually think this way. It’s subconscious. I don’t see it. I am not aware of it. It runs its broken record in my mind again and again but my conscious radar doesn’t catch it.
Anxiety is a mental pattern that relies on secrecy for its survival. As soon as I start seeing it, it weakens. The more I see it, the less power it holds. The more conscious I become of what’s happening in me unconsciously, the more I undercut the old pattern of thinking.
But again — I don’t need to “understand” anything. I just need to repeat certain steps to the best of my ability — again and again.
There’s nothing magical about them. They only work because they help bring out to my consciousness what is otherwise unconscious.
The most powerful thing in the world is light. To shine the light of consciousness on the dark unconscious is the way out. All these steps do is help you clearly see the mental records that run in your mind and run your life.
There’s nothing else to it. There is no battle to fight. There is nothing to overcome. What you resist, persists. Seeing is enough.
1. Ask yourself the following 4 questions:
2. After each question, pause for 10 seconds as you carefully listen to what arises in you.
3. Ask the Higher Power of your understanding to remove whatever feeling you became aware of.
4. Tell at least one trusted friend what you are feeling (a SAFE one!!!)
Brene Brown, the renounced Houston professor and specialist in shame and vulnerability, gave the following formula for dealing with destructive emotions in Oprah Winfrey’s show:
“To grow exponentially, shame absolutely needs three things: secrecy, silence, and judgment. Shame cannot survive two things: being spoken and being met with empathy.”
All destructive emotions, of which shame is king, grow on secrecy, silence, and judgment. To reverse those negative emotions, you need to:
Since anxiety is non-rational —it was planted into my subconsciousness by circumstances in my past — there must be a hidden destructive message playing in my mind, which I totally don’t see.
By breaking the secrecy and speaking about how I feel, again and again, I gradually become aware of this hidden message. In my case, it’s: “You are on your own. You must gain full control over your life. You are God.”
The more conscious I am of this hidden message, the more I see its fallacy. I am not God. I don’t have to take control over things beyond my control. There’s a Higher Power greater than me that I can rely on.
Consciousness dissipates unconsciousness. Light dissipates darkness.
“The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light.” Jesus
If you practice these steps daily, you can expect a gradual increase in awareness. Over time, you will become more alert to everything that your mind is doing. And you will CLEARLY see the hidden destructive messages from your past.
You will start spotting those messages AS THE PLAY IN YOUR MIND. The moment it happens, you will feel that the emotion behind it weakens.
The more you repeat the cycle, the more the light of consciousness will shine on this dark area and dissipate the hidden message that feeds the emotion.
From time to time, I still get anxious, but this emotion doesn't last. I don't really know why, and, frankly, I don't need to know. I am quite happy with the results.
The focus on breaking secrecy and sharing with others is powerful. We're not meant to handle everything alone.
Really interesting way to look at anxiety as a trust issue rather than just a mental health condition.
This gives me hope that even long-term anxiety can be helped with the right approach.
The emphasis on daily practice rather than understanding everything is refreshing.
I appreciate that the author acknowledges still getting anxious sometimes. Shows it's about management not elimination.
Fascinating how simple awareness can be so powerful in breaking negative patterns.
The idea of telling someone else how you feel being crucial is spot on. Keeping it inside never helps.
Never thought about anxiety as being non-rational before. Changes how I view my own struggles.
This approach seems more about acceptance and awareness than fighting against anxiety.
The connection to childhood wounds explains why anxiety often starts in early adulthood.
It takes courage to admit we're not in control. That's part of the healing process.
I struggle with the idea of completely letting go of control. Feels scary.
The part about consciousness dissipating unconsciousness makes so much sense to me.
This feels like a good balance between self-help and seeking support from others.
Interesting how the author mentions it still works even if you don't understand why.
The idea that what you resist persists really resonates with me. Fighting anxiety often makes it worse.
I like how this method combines practical steps with deeper emotional work.
This reminds me of exposure therapy. Facing your fears gradually makes them less scary.
Those 10 second pauses between questions seem important. Gives time for real reflection.
Wonder how this would work for other mental health issues besides anxiety.
The simplicity of the 4 questions is actually brilliant. They cover all the major emotional trouble spots.
From my understanding, your higher power can be anything greater than yourself. Doesn't have to be religious.
I'm curious about the higher power aspect. Does this only work if you're religious?
My experience matches this exactly. Once I became aware of my anxiety triggers, they started losing their power.
Anyone else find it powerful that just seeing the patterns can help break them?
The concept of unconscious patterns running our lives is eye opening. We often don't even realize what's driving our anxiety.
I appreciate how the article acknowledges that the method isn't magical but requires consistent practice.
The connection between trust issues and anxiety makes so much sense. When you can't trust, you try to control everything.
Not that there's anything wrong with medication. Sometimes we need both approaches.
This approach seems more sustainable than just treating symptoms with medication.
The emphasis on breaking secrecy is spot on. Anxiety loses some of its power when brought into the light.
What strikes me is how universal these feelings are. We all struggle with similar wounds.
The idea that we live ourselves into new ways of thinking rather than think ourselves into new ways of living is profound.
I've been doing something similar for about 6 months and it has helped tremendously with my anxiety levels.
Would love to hear from others who have tried these steps. Has anyone had success with them?
The part about not being able to control everything really speaks to me. I need to learn to let go more.
My therapist always says anxiety thrives in isolation. This article really confirms that.
I found it interesting that the solution came from AA members. Sometimes wisdom comes from unexpected places.
The daily practice aspect is key. You can't just do these steps once and expect results.
Fascinating how the author connects childhood trust issues to adult anxiety. Makes me wonder about my own past.
While I respect your view, for some people the spiritual aspect is very important in their healing journey.
Not sure I agree with the God references. You can deal with anxiety without bringing spirituality into it.
This reminds me a lot of mindfulness practices. Being present and observing thoughts without judgment.
I appreciate how the article explains that anxiety isn't rational. Sometimes understanding that makes it easier to deal with.
The author spent 30 years searching for a solution that turned out to be surprisingly simple. Kind of humbling when you think about it.
You make a good point. Finding the right person to open up to is crucial. It took me years to find someone I could truly trust with my feelings.
What I struggle with is finding that trusted friend to talk to. Not everyone understands or wants to hear about anxiety.
The concept that anxiety stems from trying to control everything really hit home for me. I never saw that connection before.
Love the Brene Brown quote about shame needing secrecy to survive. That explains why talking about anxiety with others can be so healing.
Anyone else find it interesting that the author mentions AA members? Makes sense since addiction and anxiety often go hand in hand.
I've actually tried similar techniques through CBT and they do work. It's about becoming aware of your thought patterns.
Those 4 steps seem too simple to work. I mean how can asking yourself questions about selfishness and fear actually help with anxiety?
The part about not being able to think your way out of anxiety really resonates with me. I've spent so much time trying to rationalize and analyze my way through it.
I can really relate to this article. Been dealing with anxiety for years and never thought about it being connected to trust issues from childhood.