How A Breakup Turns Into Breakthrough
Validation, mutual affection, trust, and if we're lucky we find true love. Those long nights, the shared moments of intimacy, the laughter in awkward moments, it really is a beautiful thing; it makes something like a breakup all the more difficult. It's never an easy choice, and that pesky healing process is something that progresses at its own pace, seemingly apathetic to what you're going through. But that's never really the case, is it? We want the pain and longing to go away, but there's always something to be learned from it; that's what I've been wrestling with these past few weeks.
You see, I found myself more afraid of losing the idea of the relationship and the aspects of what makes a relationship romantic, rather than cowering at the thought of walking away from someone with which I'd shared these last two years. Towards the end, I came to realize that I had stopped growing as an individual because I had failed to set boundaries early in the relationship and instead devoted every waking second to being the go-to problem solver for any and every issue.
Truth be told, it wasn't the extraordinary requests or the minute silly preferences that shape a personality, but the everyday reoccurrences...those things that a person should be able to do on their own. One night turned into two, then into a week, and then a habit is born, and that was where my excess of assistance had been locked for roughly six months. I encouraged her where I was able to, but comfort had sprouted from dependence, and now since it appeared as something so docile and safe, pulling away and reestablishing those boundaries was made exponentially difficult.
It's worth mentioning that I have a strong disdain for that word: "boundaries". Ironically enough, that aversion to the word itself means that in my personal life I tend to avoid drawing lines in my relationships with others, even when it is very clear for my own mental and emotional well-being. I know I know, it's toxic for all parties involved and inherently selfish.
Anyways, whenever I set out to carve some space for myself in the relationship, she had this way of agreeing to it, but then slowly chipping away at it, until a week later we were right back where we started, except now I was left with a tinge of resentment while she believed we had reached a happy compromise; this happened three or four more times before the breakup. It began to feel so one-sided, but I woke up every morning, hoping that this day would be different than the last. How do people define insanity? Doing something the same way over and over again but always expecting a different result?
I guess what I'm ultimately trying to get at is that I came to a crossroads recently. Do I continue in the relationship as it is, having already tried on more than one occasion to explain how I felt (to no avail), or do I walk away now and guarantee a renewed self-respect by putting myself first? Now, ask anyone who knows me, I'm the person who puts everyone else's needs before my own, to my own inconvenience. So when faced with a situation that made me consider what was best for myself, I decided to take my best interest in hand. However, the guilt that accompanied this decision still bleeds out every now and then, and I feel selfish. How messed up is that, feeling selfish and guilty for making the best choice for yourself?
But when these feelings sprout up, I think back to a conversation I have with my mom every now and then and while the phrase "there are two kinds of people in the world" is slightly cliché, this one hits closer to home: There are two kinds of people in the world...the oblivious and the accused. There is this annoyingly persistent thing I do where I see something someone is struggling with and I immediately move to relieve them of duty and finish it for them. I fall into the category of the accused, and so I always feel guilt, even when I've done nothing wrong or everything right, it's still there.
These drawn-out moments of internal conflict - as frustrating and unsolicited as they may be - are what catalyze my breakthrough moments. Reality starts to catch up with the wild narrative I've built in my head, and when it finally does, and I take a step back, it's refreshing. After spending years thinking I wasn't good enough, I see now that this forced me to try harder to please people, and in some sick paradox reinforced this idea that I was guilty of something, otherwise I wouldn't be stuck in the role of a servant.
I wrote this poem the other day (I'm an English major it comes with the territory) and at the time I was writing about the paralysis one feels during writers' block, but as I revisit it, I can say with confidence that it's application reaches beyond the block and touches on something I've struggled with for a long time. in the poem, I refer to it as inhibition, but in reality, it's Fear. Be it fear of failure, fear of loss, fear of inadequacy... I don't want to wake up one day only to find out that I'm less than I thought I was capable of, so I create inhibition where there needn't be any.
I am the damn.
Built over time to hold back
Delusions and voiceless thoughts.
From synapse to synapse these fingers tap
Tap
Tap
Tap
Away at a keyboard though I know
Much of what is wrote will be
unwritten...backspaced.
Inhibition: The moat for hope.
How strange to feel as though
Words are trapped behind a mouth
That never intends to speak its mind
But my mind is the thing banging on
That damn and its intolerable suspension
Of everything in favor of nothing.
Complacence holds to form,
Fear patches those persistent cracks
The ones that leak and erode and break free…
I want to write, and the only thing stopping me
Is the damn I give.
My breakup turned into a breakthrough, one where I was honest enough with myself to point out self-sabotaging tendencies. Healing is difficult enough, but it becomes something painful when you lie to yourself. If anything we owe it to ourselves to grow from past experiences, inhibitions are damned.
Opinions and Perspectives
Its interesting how they connected their writing struggles to their relationship patterns
The ending about inhibitions being damned is perfect. Sometimes we just need to let go
The realization about self sabotage is powerful. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy
The way they describe the internal conflict leading to breakthrough moments is spot on
Their insight about lying to yourself making healing harder is so true
That line about fear patching the cracks really resonates. We often use fear to stay stuck
The transformation they describe from guilt to self respect is inspiring
Its sad how they kept trying to communicate their feelings but weren't really heard
Really appreciate their honesty about the toxic pattern of avoiding boundary setting
The comparison between writers block and emotional blocks is clever. Both stem from fear
Their description of the morning hope cycle is painfully accurate. We can be so stubborn sometimes
Love how they acknowledge the cliche but still make the two types of people observation work
The part about fear of inadequacy leading to overcompensation is something I never considered before
Interesting perspective on how being a problem solver can actually enable unhealthy dynamics
I actually disagree about healing being difficult. Sometimes its a relief to finally let go
The way they describe the slow erosion of their boundaries is exactly what happened in my last relationship
Makes me think about my own boundaries and whether Im letting people slowly chip away at them
That line about inhibition being the moat for hope is haunting. Really captures the self sabotage feeling
The concept of breakthrough from breakup is powerful. Sometimes we need to break to become stronger
Their journey shows how important self awareness is in relationships. You cant fix what you dont acknowledge
The guilt of choosing yourself is so real. Society really conditions us to feel bad about self care
Interesting how they mention the relationship stopped their personal growth. Sometimes love can blind us to that
The parallel between the dam and self imposed limitations is clever. We often are our own worst enemies
Their description of being the go to problem solver really hit home. Always being the strong one is exhausting
The way they describe the daily occurrences becoming habits is so accurate. Small things add up over time
That comfort from dependence observation is deep. Sometimes what feels safe is actually holding us back
The part about losing the idea of the relationship versus the actual person is something everybody should think about
Love how they connected their writers block poem to larger life issues. Sometimes our art tells us more than we realize
Its interesting how they mention avoiding drawing lines in relationships. I do the same thing and never realized why
The analysis of fear holding us back from our potential really made me think about my own life choices
Their journey from people pleaser to setting boundaries is inspiring. Shows its never too late to change
Anyone else feel called out by the part about immediately jumping in to help people with their struggles
The idea that healing happens at its own pace regardless of what we want is hard to accept but so true
I understand the guilt but sometimes walking away is the kindest thing you can do for both people
The cycle of trying to change things only to end up back where you started is frustratingly familiar
Reading this made me realize I might be stuck in a similar situation right now. Time for some self reflection
The part about comfort sprouting from dependence is so insightful. Its easy to fall into those patterns
I relate to being the accused. Always feeling guilty even when doing the right thing is exhausting
The metaphor of the dam holding back thoughts and feelings is brilliant. We all build our own barriers sometimes
Not sure I agree with their take on guilt. Sometimes feeling guilty is our conscience telling us something important
The transformation from breakup to breakthrough is inspiring but it seems like it took a lot of painful self reflection to get there
That feeling of waking up hoping today will be different really struck a chord with me. We can be so optimistic even when nothing changes
The English major comment made me laugh. Of course they wrote a poem about their breakup
I appreciate how honest they are about their own role in the relationship dynamics. Its rare to see such self awareness
The way they describe the slow erosion of boundaries is spot on. Its never a sudden thing but a gradual wearing down
This reminds me of my last relationship. I kept hoping things would change but never set clear boundaries. Learned that lesson the hard way
I find it interesting that they had such a strong aversion to the word boundaries. Wonder if that's common for people pleasers
The mother's wisdom about the oblivious and the accused is fascinating. I never thought about guilt that way before
That line about being the servant really resonated with me. Sometimes we create these roles for ourselves without even realizing it
The way they described being the problem solver in the relationship hit home. I always fall into that trap too
I actually disagree with the part about boundary setting being selfish. Setting healthy boundaries is essential for any relationship to work
What stood out to me was the fear of losing the idea of the relationship rather than the actual person. Makes you think about what we're really holding onto sometimes
Anyone else notice how the author kept trying to fix boundaries but their partner kept breaking them down? Been there, done that
The dam poem is so powerful. I love how it plays with the word dam/damn. Really captures that feeling of being stuck
I really connected with the part about feeling guilty for putting yourself first. It took me years to learn that self-care isn't selfish